Archive for September, 2010

Terse Verse O’erheard

September 29, 2010

Chorus of Kids: Yeah, with your best shot!

PigWoman: It’s, “Hit me with your best shot!”

Gabriel, get the fuck off that truck unless you want to

Get cracked.

Woman’s Roommate: Quit shouting like that. It’s 7:00

In the morning. The neighbors are going to get a petition

To get us kicked off the block.

PigWoman: I don’t care about no petition. I ain’t

Going nowhere. These neighbors can

Suck

My

Cunt.

Chorus: Hit me with your best shot!

-neighbors chatting outside my window, S. Philly, Sep. ’10

Warnock St, Friday, 11:05 AM

September 24, 2010

At one end of my block, sanitation workers are inspecting the illegal dump that has sprung up over the past few days. Yammering at their side is my drug-addict neighbor. She has her arms thrown wide as if beseeching the heavens for redress.

At the other end of my narrow alley of a street, a police officer is arguing with my fat, shirtless neighbor while a man from the gas works looks on.

In the middle of the street, artfully arranged and looking like a portent or a sign left by a clan specializing in dark arts, is a single severed pigeon’s foot.

Something’s got to give.

The Hater Report #51

September 24, 2010

1)  USA loses #1 ranking.  Falls behind India and China as a preferred place to invest.  Great.  So now our country is worse off than a nation that still has the Plague and a regime openly enthusiastic about Child Labor.  That’s just tremendous!:  (LINK)

2)  Another day, another homophobic Bishop accused of coercing teenagers into sex.  Strange things are afoot in the Catholic Church.  These scandalous stories are becoming about as regular as my morning cup of coffee…but we shouldn’t worry.  He’ll explain everything this Sunday.  I’m expecting a steamy sermon:  (LINK)

3)  I like Russia more every day.  You couldn’t pay me to live there, but I do greatly admire their rugged, no-nonsense manner of handling business.  For instance, take their approach to crooked politicians.  They’re considering branding the left hands of Russian legislators convicted of taking bribes.  Beware the man with the mangled paw:  (LINK)

4)  Mini, famous for their tiny cars, has broken out of the box and introduced an electric scooter at this year’s Paris Auto Show.  Hipster-doofuses around the world squeal with delight.  As if the sleek, eco-friendly vehicle wasn’t already trendy enough, the scooter’s horn plays Florence and the Machine:  (LINK)

5)  The Queen of England tried to access the State Poverty Fund to heat her palace.  Are we still allowed to behead monarchs for reckless spending…Marie Antoinette-style? What if we bum-rush the palace in filthy clothing whilst brandishing pitchforks?  No?  Still no good?  Ah well…it sure would have been fun:  (LINK)

Terse Verse O’erheard

September 23, 2010

“I like the fruit-on-the-bottom ones.

They’re the best type of

Yogrut.”

-coworker putting a hruting on the English language as per usual, Sep. ’10

Straight Heat of the Day: September 22nd, 2010

September 22, 2010

The Specials…Gangsters…Live on Saturday Night Live…1980…this week is dragging…every person I run into seems to have the same feeling…desperate for Friday…time for a midweek break…rocksteady ska style…

Terse Verse O’erheard

September 22, 2010

“EWWWWWWW!

The maggots are

Coming

Toward

Us!”

-neighbors’ kids after the maggots they’d plucked from the garbage and arranged atop a shoebox gradually broke ranks. South Philly, Sep. ’10

The Hater Report #50

September 21, 2010

1)  Today’s DADT Vote is apparently “too close to call.”  I know the perfect way to break the stalemate…Sword Fight!:  (LINK)

2)  It’s almost October and you know what that means…it’s about time for the Christianists to fire up their annual cry-fest over the perceived (and hilarious) War on Christmas.  This year should be particularly fun with conservatives taking the gloves off, upping the ante, and releasing a feature length film.  “Christmas with a Capital C:  Putting Christ Back in Christmas” is an inspiring tale about a lone man’s struggle against a hell-bound liberal to keep a manger scene displayed in front of city hall.  Never in my wildest imagination did I ever think that Jefferson D’Arcy from Married With Children (famous for once saying,Since the wives are downtown feeding dinners to the homeless, shouldn’t we be at the nudie bar feeding dollars to the topless?”) would turn out to be a crusading God-Warrior:  (LINK)

3)  Christine O’Donnell is now facing ethics charges for her misuse of campaign funds to pay for her personal expenses.  She was forced to spend campaign dollars to pay her rent and utilities because she had no tangible income.  It’s comforting to know that we live in an era where you can be unemployed and still run for Senate:  (LINK)

4)  A Wisconsin District Attorney sent deviant sexual text messages to a domestic abuse victim whose boyfriend he was prosecuting.  Wow.  If that wasn’t disturbing enough, he went on to invite her on a date to an autopsy.  I mean, I could see where he was going with his thinking.  Choose a woman with a deadbeat boyfriend so you’ll automatically look like the man in a side by side comparison.  Not a bad move, but he really blew it when he introduced a dead body into the mix.  That’s classic Negative Ball Game:    (LINK)

Straight Heat of the Day: September 21st, 2010

September 21, 2010

The White Stripes…Ball and Biscuit…Live at VH1…New school shred with deep, old school roots…Jack White may just be the last living musical legend…from here on out, we’re stuck listening to synthesizers and drum kits sprinkled with a liberal seasoning of angst…

Enter The Void (Gaspar Noé, 2009)

September 21, 2010

There is a virulent strain of contemporary French cinema that quite frankly repluses me with its particularly savage yet highly aestheticized shows of pathological sexual ugliness, utter lack of humanity, and sadistic visceral violence. This exteme incarnadine undercurrent seems to manifest mainly in flat-out horror films: Martyrs, Inside, High Tension, etc., but other genres are not immune to the trend. Consider, for the purposes of this post, Gaspar Noé’s most (in)famously flagrant film, Irréversible . Even if you haven’t seen it, you’ve most likely heard of it and the atrocities within. Seems to exist solely to hold the prize number-one spot on the derelict brooding college freshmen’s “Fucked-Up Movies to Watch” list.

Sometimes though, for whatever reason, there is something worthwhile to be found amidst the abhorrence and surprisingly to me, Noé’s new piece Enter the Void proves deeply worthwhile…in a certain respect. My interest in movies about the endless cycle of fucked-up people interacting with other fucked-up people in a vortex of meaninglessness and emptiness has waned to almost nothing over the years, but this film’s visual spectacle is Un. Matched. I have no idea how Noé actually constructed certain scenes or images; the camerawork and imagery is so stunning, so innovative, that all I can do is blankly marvel at the incredible sensory cauchemar unfolding on screen.

Like a dream though, the film is destroyed by too much scrutiny into content: I’m letting you know now, it’s terribly over-repetitive, showing a handful of “key” scenes over and over until all emotional impact dissipates. At times it is monumentally stupid and naive, and at other times…just plain ole dull. Scribbled in fat, blood-and-semen-stained capital letters Noé spells out basic, elementary statements about life, death, whatever…it doesn’t matter. Just give in and let your mind absorb the thrilling visual display and you will be occupied for days with hazy, lurid reflections of the trip. For all the ugliness in the story (and there is a lot), I’d plug myself back into the Void in a second, just to have the cinematic experience again.

Apparently, the dude is in the process of pairing down the film from the 161 minute (!!) version I saw at a midnight screening, which I think bodes well for future intrepid filmgoers, especially if he hacks off some of the scene repetition which really causes the movie to drag. However, whether its some bloated version or a “nicely” tightened package, the film merits your attention for its unprecedented visual flair.

Destruction by Durian

September 21, 2010

I’ve recently been fantasizing about non-violent ways to get rid of my trashy neighbors. I say “non-violent” not because I’m opposed to violence, but because I’m not good at it, lacking as I am in physical strength, courage, dueling pistols and spring-loaded triple daggers. So I’ve been thinking I’ll leave a giant durian on their front step in the night and see if it doesn’t undo them.

Since these pig neighbors don’t stray from their sties, they’d never have encountered the fruit before. Perhaps they’ll timidly poke it with a stick and, getting no satisfaction that way, call animal control to come have a look at the thing, at which point they themselves will be carted off since city ordinance states unattended livestock may not lounge about the streets eating Vicodin.

Perchance they’ll think it an ensorcelled token, a sign of divine approval, and fall to fighting over whose turn it is to bed down with it on the greasy rag piles that serve as mattresses in that house. I can easily imagine a woman sapping her saber-toothed boyfriend, tossing aside the still-unnamed toddler she used as a club, and scurrying off with the durian to ply it with offerings of stubbed out Newports and a few prized ounces of good-drinkin’ cough syrup. By week’s end, the neighbors will have done each other in and in the final moments of my mind’s movie the durian rolls over the lip of the top step in the house (dropped by its final owner? possessed after all?) and goes bumping downward toward the exit.

I hope this works, because if it doesn’t and I resort to throwing a punch, God will take one look at my left-hook, lick his thumb and forefinger, and snuff out the sun.

The Hater Report #49

September 20, 2010

1)  Christine O’Donnell dabbled in witchcraft.  Why not?  At this point, there’s not much that she could do to surprise me.  Short of a guest appearance in a snuff film, she’s got all the crazy bases covered:  (LINK)

2)  Tony Perkins, Supreme Overlord of the Family Research Council (aka The Fun Police), is a slobbering moron.  Over the weekend, in an attempt to attack the premise of gays in the military in light of the upcoming DADT vote, he claimed that countries that have allowed gays to serve openly no longer fight wars, instead opting for lavish, limp-wristed, effeminate parades.  Israel, Great Britain, Australia, Canada, Germany, Italy, Spain, and France all respond in kind…extend arm, raise middle finger :  (LINK)

3)  The Old Spice guy is pretty masculine but he’s got nothing on Christopher Hitchens.  Even in the grips of cancer, he has the testicular fortitude to stand by his principles and skip his own prayer day:  (LINK)

4)  Obama brings the heat!  Asks Tea Party, “Identify, specifically, what would you do?”  Their response was predictable but entirely unhelpful…“We’ll do what we always do.  Make signs, scream, cry, slang racism, eat Burger King, appear on “Cops”, smoke meth, and sleep with our siblings”:  (LINK)

Straight Heat of the Day: September 20th, 2010

September 20, 2010

Freddie King…Live at the Travis County Jail…1976…the blues have the power to touch even  the most jaded of men…the boys on the block still say to this day, “That was the first AND last time we saw Leon cut rug”…

Loping with Strandbeests

September 20, 2010

I will move to the beach, sit still for years while my mustache grows to cover my mouth and sand and sun harden my hide. I will breathe quietly, shallowly, until strandbeests, Theo Jansen’s magnificent wind-powered “kinetic sculptures,” accept me as one of their own and I can at last travel with the pack. Check them out in this clip and promise me you’ll watch this video in its entirety, okay?

Their ways appeal to me: Never speaking, steady ambling for the sake of ambling. I’ve passed many an hour in similar fashion in my apartment, walking until I encounter a wall, turning on my heel, and striking out boldly in a fresh direction until I inevitably encounter, if not another wall, some obstruction which I cannot pass or be bothered to circumvent, the question of circumventing necessitating as it does irksome questions of fastest route, to say nothing of safest route, and the less said about surest route, the better. No doubt I cut a fine figure while ranging across my apartment thusly, but how I yearn to join the ranks of these beasts and shamble together into the shimmering elsewhere.

The Hater Report #48

September 17, 2010

1)  109 MPH winds slam New York City.  Looks like God is finally wreaking his long-predicted havoc on the lair of the godless liberals.  You better watch out San Francisco, if what I’ve heard from the conservative Christians is true, then you’re sure to be next!:  (LINK)

2)  Friday Fun!  The 8 Greatest Political statements ever featured on “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia“:  (LINK)

3)  Putin poised to run for the Russian Presidency in 2012.  His worshippers have yearned for the day when their fearless leader would storm back into power, shirtless, astride the back of a fire-breathing dragon, slaying his enemies with a 12 foot broad sword, and restoring honor to the barren throne.  A modern-day Conan the Barbarian:  (LINK)

4)  In case it’s been forgotten in the wave of her endorsement successes, Palin is still an idiot. Watch in awkward disbelief as she can’t even name the candidate that she so strongly supported in New Hampshire.  Whenever I picture her brain, all I see is a hamster running on a wheel to a soundtrack of calliope music:  (LINK)

5)  The Definitive Christine O’Donnell Primer.  Everything you ever wanted to know about this mouth-breathing, knuckle-dragging Neanderthal.  You literally won’t believe your eyes.  Her stupidity is staggering.  I wouldn’t let her wash my car, let alone vote on my country’s legislation:  (LINK)

Terse Verse O’erheard

September 17, 2010

“What we should do with these women on welfare

Who keep having babies is strap them

Down and have a doctor

Cut out their

Uteruses.”

-coworker’s modest proposal for making the world a better place by way of limb restraints, forced excisions, and sanity-rending screams, Sep. ’10

Straight Heat of the Day: September 16th, 2010

September 16, 2010

Rage Against the Machine…Know Your Enemy…Live in Hultsfred, Sweden…2000…unbelievable, game-changing group…I’ll never forget the sheer intensity when I saw them live in Philadelphia…the stadium was lined with riot cops and the venue refused to serve beer…you know things are going to get wild when them’s the rules…

The Hater Report #47

September 16, 2010

1)  Meet our newest Tea Party Nominee.   New York gubernatorial candidate, Carl Paladino.  He enjoys summer sunsets, water skiing, mom’s home-cooked meatloaf, and late-night reruns of Perfect Strangers.  He’s looking for a life-partner that can share his love of racist jokes, filthy porn, and aggressive bestiality.  If elected, he promises to turn all state prisons into dormitories for welfare recipients so that “[he can] teach them personal hygiene.”  Let’s give it up for Carl Paladino everybody!:  (LINK)

2)  Happy 200th Birthday Mexico!  Good luck with allllll that…:  (LINK)

3)  Pope Benedict’s aide is under fire for his comment that Britain is a third-world country.  I’m not sure whether he’s right or not, but that would certainly explain the rampant lack of dental care amongst its citizenry…snaggle-teeth abound:  (LINK)

4)  Ever wonder where those delicious little cheeseburger sliders come from?  Meet Swallow, the world’s smallest cow:  (LINK)

5)  Charles Pierce rips O’Donnell over at Esquire.  Political journalists and bloggers are frothing at the mouth to take this woman down…giddy at the sheer volume of damning and hilarious information with which to mock her.  It shouldn’t be too hard…she’s a campaign opponent’s dream…rife with verbal gaffes, extreme ideas, and fringe beliefs.  Pierce nails it with the money quote – “Christine O’Donnell’s campaign is a successful exercise in angry, misfit masturbation, with as little to do with the deadly problems this country faces as some guy wanking in the balcony of a grindhouse has to do with Romeo and Juliet”:  (LINK)

Sacrilege, 12% ABV

September 16, 2010

When I accidentally dropped a brimming glass of Dogfish Head’s Palo Santo Marron beer while at the brewer’s restaurant/pub, I thought immediately of the time a priest in the Catholic church of my youth dropped a consecrated host onto the ground, retrieved it, fed it to the unlucky communicant next in line, and covered with a cloth the area in which the host had fallen so that he could, after Mass, hunt for any stray pieces.

While I now find these gestures silly, empty, and sadly misguided, I took a page from the clumsy padre’s book and quickly covered the spreading puddle of beer with a cloth napkin. I tilted my head back, raised the dripping rag above my mouth, and wrung it like an enemy’s neck. Chin sticky with brown beer, cheeks stiff with salty trails of now-dried tears, I stumbled back to the bar and, in way of compensation for my offense, resumed my devotions at that altar with feverish fervor. Which is all to say, vacation was lovely and thank you for asking.

Straight Heat of the Day: September 15th, 2010

September 15, 2010

Van Morrison and The Band…Caravan Live…from The Last Waltz…straight heat of the day was invented for stage-burning performances like this…it takes serious moxie to end your song with a series of high leg kicks, drop the mic, the walk off the stage…Van the Man indeed…

The Hater Report #46

September 15, 2010

1)  The Catholic Church is a strange and stubborn group.  First they continue to insist that the ancient practice of man-boy love isn’t all that bad, now they’re holding a conference to reject Galileo’s claim that the Earth is NOT the center of the universe.  What year is this?:  (LINK)

2)  Karl Rove has reared his bulbous dome to slam the Tea Party’s newest menace, Christine O’Donnell, for perfectly embodying the delusional, unprincipled, and fact-weary fringe of the far right.  She absolutely dominated yesterday’s Republican primary in Delaware despite her well-documented history of fiscal irresponsibility & her penchant for brazen lying…this includes her bizarre $5,800 salary last year, lien threats, foreclosures, IRS audits, campaign debt, usage of donor funds to pay her rent, and falsehoods about supposedly earning a degree from Fairleigh Dickinson University in 1993 that she just received a week ago (conveniently).   It’s amazing how unabashedly unfit for office she truly is, but then again, who needs facts when you can live on ignorance?  The Tea Party is a joke.  I never thought I would ever say this, but for once, I agree with Rove and his disgusting double chin:  (LINK)

3)  I always assumed that Republicans were a boring lot based on their rabid love of Jesus and hatred of all things fun.  Turns out I was wrong.  Check out the raucous photos from a party held last week during the annual Fall Board of Directors Meeting for The National Federation of Republican Women in Charleston, S.C…Oh, you aren’t seeing things…that’s Glenn McConnell, South Carolina Senate President, dressed up as  Confederate general sharing some strong drink and some good cheer with his slaves!  Woo Hoo!  That’s old school…like, really old school.  Do these guys know how to party or what?:  (LINK)

4)  Rush Limbaugh is an upstanding citizen and the leader of the moral majority in America.  No matter how much the limp-wristed liberals whine about him, we all know the guy is just a class act with a heart of gold.  Sure he was a drug addict, a sex tourist, a serial-divorcer, and a hate monger of the highest order, but you shouldn’t let any of that influence your reaction to his recent rant against the pretty NFL reporter that was harassed by the Jets after their game last Sunday.  According to Rush, it was all her fault.  She knew she had “ass-sets”…she knew she was “boob-alicious, booty-licious”…and yet, she still had the gall to walk down amongst the football players to perform the job that she gets paid to do!  Her physical attributes basically forced them to harass her.  What else were these grown, adult men supposed to do?  How dare she!:  (LINK)

5)  What happened to elections in America?  When did they begin to incite widespread madness in the general populace?  It’s hard to tell whether we’re watching a legitimate political exercise with serious consequences or an episode of WWE’s Monday Night Raw.  The outrageous theatricality of modern political movements is enough to make the fleet-footed weirdos on Glee blush.  The showmanship is unparalleled.  For example, at the annual Naches Sportsman’s Day parade in Yakima, Washington, a local Tea Party group rolled out a float featuring President Obama whipping a malnourished white teenager.  Tasteless?  Sure.  Entertaining?  Hell yeah!  They wouldn’t have it any other way:  (LINK)

6)  In honor of Harry Reid’s pledge to bring the DADT vote to the Senate floor next week, here is a collection of the most homoerotic sports photos ever taken:  (LINK)

Workday Woes

September 14, 2010

During the average workday, I sometimes fall victim to bouts of self-pity over the decidely unsexy nature of my work and the lack of notoriety it affords me. These bouts are not long-lasting and I am only susceptible to them while en route to the office when my fellow citizens clog the subway station halls, the obese among them slogging so slowly streetward that you’d think the stairs were the slopes of Mt. Kilimanjaro. Also, the bouts visit me while riding the elevator, riding in cars, and I have no defenses, mental or physical, against those bouts desiring to have their way with me while I’m at my desk, at the urinal, before the vending machine or ensconced in my home. In other words, things could be worse.

I didn’t always work in an office, though it often feels that way. (Last week I dreamt I was stuck in the office hallway while the hum of the fluorescent tube lights overhead grew so loud that they filled my head, burst my skull, and I woke with my heart hammering and head filled with fantasies of time-travel and do-overs.) I once worked as a landscaper, part of a trio of unfortunates, one of whom once, while knee-deep in the pond-muck from which we were plucking weeds, began to scream, “I’m better than this! I’m better than this!” Complete hysterics, full meltdown. I turned away so he’d not see the smile oozing across my face. I wasn’t happy to see him upset: I was happy to learn I wasn’t alone.

When I’m tempted to break into a similar roar at work, I sometimes recall a scene from John Cheever’s The Wapshot Scandal in which a women heads to a state employment office in search of some men to hire to dig a ditch in her yard. Of the twenty or so men there looking for work, none accepts her job offer and she sees “as one of the facts of her life, her time, that standards of self-esteem had advanced to a point where no one was able to dig a hole.” I think of this and desire not to be one of these absurd layabouts. I think of this and feel better for several seconds on end.

Anticipating Attractions

September 14, 2010

At the brink of Oscar-bait open season, I have already found my most anticipated film of the year’s remainder, Darren Aronofsky’s Black Swan.  The sexylectrifying trailer posits Natalie Portman as a tetchy terpsichorean who stresses herself into a sort of hallucinatory (or is it??) metamorphosis when sensuous ballerina Mila Kunis threatens to usurp her precious position as Swan Queen.  It conjures up impressions of a dark and twisted, girls-all-grown-up sorta sequel to Lucile Hadzihalilovic’s Innocence with undertones of Suspiria and The Fly mixed into the lurid celluloid concoction, so of course I am sold.

Watch the trailer for yourself: It’s either going to be enormously, entertainingly silly or….its going to be a goddamn masterpiece.  I don’t see any other option here.  At the very least, this movie promises heady Kunis-on-Portman action, an enticing proposition to which even I am not immune.

Straight Heat of the Day: September 13th, 2010

September 13, 2010

Calexico & Jim James…”Goin’ to Acapulco”…Superb Bob Dylan cover from the film, “I’m Not There”…soulful, direct, flawless…the song stands alone…

The Hater Report #45

September 10, 2010

1)  Playboy Centerfold totally freaks out on a plane…tries to open the emergency exit.   Fortunately for everyone onboard, to open the door she would have had to turn the handle to her ‘other’ left:  (LINK)

2)  Arnold Schwarzenegger is a real man.  Whether he’s smoking joints at Lou Ferrigno’s birthday party or saving Danny DeVito’s life in “Twins”, he can do no wrong.   Case in point.  Arnold wins Joke of the Day for his Twitter blasting of Sarah Palin from his airplane:  “Over Anchorage, AK. Looking everywhere but can’t see Russia from here. Will keep you updated as search continues”:  (LINK)

3)  Move over Chuck Norris, there’s a new badass in town.   Kris Kerr was photographing his friend surfing when he noticed a shark charging toward him…instead of panicking, he stood his ground, took a picture, then punched the shark right in the face.  To add insult to injury, as the shark tried to flee, Kerr chased it down, put it in a headlock, and mocked its lack of manliness in front of a school of female fish:  (LINK)

4)  People say that you can’t help a person with a destructive lifestyle to change until they’ve reached rock bottom.  I’m not a counserlor, but I’m pretty sure that getting fired from your job as a hooker at the Bunny Ranch for ‘improper conduct’ consitutes a bottom.  If you’re actually too trashy to be a whore, then it’s probably time to take a hard look in the mirror…ha:  (LINK)