Author Archive

Straight Heat Encore: August 12th, 2011

August 12, 2011

Bill Withers…Use Me…BBC in Concert 1973…Mowgli in Heat 2011…I would kill a homeless person to be this awesome…It would have to be a gun though…knives are too personal…plus I wouldn’t want to get my hands dirty…that would be gross…

Straight Heat of the Day: August 12th, 2011

August 12, 2011

Little Feat…Spanish Moon Live…Rainbow Theater…London, 1977…Whiskey, Women, & Bad Cocaine…recipe for a night to be remembered…If you like Phish, you clearly never heard of Little Feat…good luck with all that.

Robert Palmer…Spanish Moon…hide your girlfriends…

Cerebral Reckoning: Lazy?

August 12, 2011

As a lazy, apathetic man, I seriously hope this isn’t the consequence of my inability to do anything.  I’d seriously hate to have a genocide hanging over my head.  It would be almost unbearable:

If, instead of decapitating his army, he [Stalin] had intellectually prepared it for war, Russia might have defeated Germany in a matter of weeks.  Such a course of action, while no doubt entailing grave consequences of its own, would have saved about 40 million lives, including the vast majority of the victims of the Holocaust.

(Martin Amis, Koba The Dread:  Laughter and the Twenty Million, 2002)

Cerebral Reckoning: A Call To Action

June 25, 2011

Sadly, just as true today as it was 55 years ago…so much for progress:

Young people of America, awake from your slumber of indolence and harken to the call of the future!  Do you realize that you are rapidly becoming a doomed generation?  Do you realize that the fate of the world and of generations to come rests on your shoulders?…Oh ignorant youth, the world is not a joyous place.  The time has come for you to dispense with the frivolous pleasures of childhood and get down to honest toil until you are sixty-five.  Then and only then can you relax and collect your social security and live happily until the time of your death.

Fearfully and disgustedly yours,
John J Righteous Hypocrite

(Hunter S. Thompson, The Athenaeum, 1955)

Ga…ga…gone!

June 23, 2011

Lady Gaga’s record sales continue to spiral downward into the abyss.

Weird.

People don’t want to buy records from a drag queen covering 30 year old Madonna songs?

(LINK)

Straight Heat of the Day: April 4th, 2011

April 4, 2011

Justin Townes Earle…Live on Letterman…bow tie’s generally not hip, but today, it is…

Finally…Fat Ho Burgers

March 31, 2011

Sloppy Ho’s are no longer just a clever (and generally descriptive) name…I’ve waited years to request a “Supa Fly Ho” in a public setting…Wish #1 down…may god have mercy on the universe if I get two more…

Emasculation Station

November 3, 2010

Republican House Leader, John Boehner, has a modern-day meltdown while discussing the huge gains his party made in the Congress yesterday.

Dude?  Seriously?  Weeping in public?  On televsion?  Brutal…have some self-respect.  His father needs to give him a good kick to the chops…

The Hater Report #58

October 27, 2010

1)  Nothing like a heated election to bring out the best in people.  Watch as a grown man curb stomps a young girl’s melon.  It’s important to note that he is now demanding that SHE apologize to HIM.  Nice work America…nice work (see above video)

2)  Impending global extinction crisis hangs heavy over the Earth.  Number One most threatened American species on the list?  Common Sense:  (LINK)

3)  Charlie Sheen caught with a face full of blow and a bleeding hooker locked in his hotel closet.  What day is this?  Wednesday?  Oh, ok…sounds about right then:  (LINK)

4)  Katie Couric has been documenting her travels through the Midwest, or as she lovingly refers to it as, the “great unwashed middle of the country.”  Ouch!…biting remark by the so-called, Queen of Mean.  To be fair, while totally accurate, her comment  implies a conscious decision to be dirty on the part of the Red Staters when, in reality, their lack of cleanliness is out of their control.  They’re simply too fat to wash themselves.  Shorts arms and round bodies…terrible combo:  (LINK)

5)  The Family Research Council President has been getting wild recently.  Apparently emboldened by the rabid hate and anti-intellectualism that’s infected a depressing percentage of the American population, he is now claiming that gay teens commit suicide because they know they are “abnormal.”  It’s amazing the type of beliefs a man can rationalize in the name of God.  Amazing:  (LINK)

6)  A Republican candidate for Illinois state senate, Al Reynolds, silenced a crowd at a recent forum when he said that black men, “find it more lucrative to be able to do drugs or other avenues rather than do education.”  Nothing like an unfounded, ignorant, inflammatory, wide-sweeping, negative generalization to jump-start a floundering campaign!:  (LINK)

Straight Heat of the Day: October 27th, 2010

October 27, 2010

John Lee Hooker…Hobo Blues…Live in 1965…American Folk Blues Festival…this song makes me wish I was sitting by a camp fire, spinning yarns, drinking moonshine, and smoking a pipe…builds steam like  a train…

The Hater Report #57

October 22, 2010

1)  A Texas Republican congressional candidate says that he will consider a violent overthrow of the government if he’s not elected.  Fortunately, he’s from Texas so all of his fellow constituents are too fat to get off the couch, let alone put in the effort needed to launch a coup:  (LINK)

2)  Italian trash crisis gets out of control.  Citizens enraged!  The world acts stunned, although I can’t figure out why… do you really expect to have a government run like a well-oiled machine when the country’s  men live with their mothers until the age of 40?:  (LINK)

3)  America is facing an impending diabetes epidemic.  According to a recent study, the number of diabetic fatties could triple by 2050.  Nutritionists are up in arms, but I say let it be.  By 2050, those of us who are still skinny will be considered super human.  Our ability to get around without the help of a scooter will render us the top of the food chain:  (LINK)

4)  Christine O’Donnell can’t name a single Democratic Senator.  Not one.  Nobody.  Just a note – both of her state’s Senators are Democrats.  Do you we really have to continue to pretend that this woman is a legitimate human being?:  (LINK)

Straight Heat of the Day: October 22nd, 2010

October 22, 2010

Keller Williams…Thirsty in the Rain…Live at The Oregon Country Fair…7/9/99…cover of a Peter Rowan classic…an unbelievable amount of sound coming from one guitar…beastly twist on a bluegrass masterpiece…

Note to all the performers out there:  Children dancing as your backdrop = instant & overwhelming positive vibes…free cool breeze.

Straight Heat of the Day: October 20th, 2010

October 20, 2010

Lyrics Born…Live Session…there is actually good hip hop…you don’t ever see it, but it does exist…consider this a case in point…

The Hater Report #56

October 20, 2010

1)  The Pro Life Tea Party launches an aggressive ad campaign.  Portrays Obama as the Angel of Death, leading his minions across America atop the crest of a wave of hellfire and brimstone.  Is this really what we’re coming to?  An entire segment of our population living their lives based on fairy tales?  It’s truly a shame that stupidity isn’t painful.  (see above video)

2)  The 13 Most Expensive American Colleges in list format.  Whoa, is college really this expensive?  Oh man, I think I owe mom and dad an apology.  It breaks my heart to know that they spent over 100,000 of their hard-earned dollars so that I could learn how to play competitive Beirut, vomit without breaking a stride, inhale a five gallon Deer Park gravity bong in one pull, and properly apply the tenets of  “No Means Maybe”:  (LINK)

3)  Sarah Palin’s daughter, Bristol, has some serious accomplishments in her young life…teenage pregnancy, failed marriage, dropping out of high school, and being from Alaska.  Even with all of those achievements to her name, nothing can touch her most recent nadir of success…dancing on national television dressed as a gorilla in a pink tutu.   Sometimes you just have to love America…the only country where failing upwards actually happens:  (LINK)

4)  A mad scientist has created a machine constructed entirely of Legos that can build anything that your mind desires…from Legos!  In other news, my 8 year-old inner-child just discovered masturbation:  (LINK)

5)  The Top 9 ways that Americans waste money.  I was particularly surprised by #8 – Children’s Birthday parties.  Really?  Where are all these lucky kids?  All I ever got was a handwritten card from my father counting the years since I was born…also known as, the day his ‘fun life’ ended.  Strange:  (LINK)

6)  George W. Bush misses being pampered as President.  Air Force one was a sweet perk!  What he doesn’t miss is being responsible for starting never-ending wars, approving a systematic program of torture, exponentially expanding the country’s debt, and having to wash Dick Cheney’s back as he bathed in the blood of innocent children:   (LINK)

Straight Heat of the Day: October 19th, 2010

October 19, 2010

Mixmaster Mike…Random Jam…What do you get when you cross Robert Johnson’s, Ramblin’ on my Mind with Dead Prez’s, Hip Hop

Nothing but heat…featured in the documentary, Scratch.

The Hater Report #55

October 18, 2010

1)  Christine O’Donnell…I’m not a witch.  Auto-tune style (see above video).  I’m generally not a parody guy, but this is pure gold.  I mean, at least it’s true.  She isn’t a witch…she’s just broke.

2)  Sharon Stone…age 52…in a bikini?  It reminds me of how I handle Dijon mustard…I know that the expiration date is meaningless, but I’m still hesitant to eat it once the date has passed:  (LINK)

3)  14 die at an annual Cambodian ceremony.  “Pol Pot’s Revenge” deemed too obscure to work as an official slogan:  (LINK)

4)  GOP Rep. McClintock claims the California voters don’t deserve to have Meg Whitman make decisions for them because she lacks principles.  I say they don’t deserve her for another reason…because she lacks the musculoskeletal system to support the overwhelming weight of her fat face:  (LINK)

5)  Minimum wage is unconstitutional according to Republicans.  But working full-time for peanuts is what it means to be American.  Correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t we free the slaves in 1863?:  (LINK)

6)  Barney Frank’s boyfriend heckled his GOP opponent after their debate.  I know…I know.  I can’t believe anyone would date that mush-mouthed loser either.  Although, I will say…he’s doing pretty good for a Care Bears’ Cartoon extra:  (LINK)

7)  A man died after getting hit in the head with a golf ball.  Michael Douglas ponders aloud, “Was he wearing a stupid little hat?”:  (LINK)

Straight Heat of the Day: October 18th, 2010

October 18, 2010

Joe Cocker….Don’t Let Me Be Misunderstood…grimy…just grimy…conservatives argue that heat is a choice…I firmly believe that heat is biological…you’re born with it…Exhibit A:  Joe Cocker

Exhibit B:  The Animals…Please Don’t Let Me Be Misunderstood…if Eric Burdon ever hits on your girl, just walk away…you don’t stand a chance…

Exhibit C:  Nina Simone…yeah…that’s right…girls can have heat too…

The Hater Report #54

October 13, 2010

1)  Clint Webb for Senate.  The most accurate political ad to ever air on television.  “I don’t make friends…I make acquaintances.”  (see above)

2)  Gay?  Noooo!  Don’t be ridiculous.  We just like to cuddle in a double bed together…every night.  Relax!  Don’t be so uptight!   Heterosexual men do it all the time…right?:  (LINK)

3)  A deranged son killed his parents for calling him lazy.  I guess he showed them…there’s nothing lazy about committing a double homicide.  That takes some intense manual labor.  Those  lifeless bodies aren’t going to hide themselves!:  (LINK)

4)  Christine O’Donnell has raised nearly $1 million per week since she won the Delaware primary.  That’s a lot of scratch.  She may not win the election, but at least she’ll be able to pay all her bills for once!:  (LINK)

5)  Perez Hilton had an epiphany.  He’s ashamed of his past adolescent behavior.  From this day forward, he promises that he will no longer resort to cold-hearted, cruel-spirited bullying on his blog.  Unfortunately, he failed to comment on whether or not he will still be annoying:  (LINK)

The Hater Report #53

October 12, 2010

1)  Joe Manchin.  I dare you to not vote for him (see above).

2)  An unfortunate teen was arrested for tipping over a port-a-potty that had a boy inside.  Since when did good old fashioned pranks become illegal?  I never thought I’d live to see the day when the Man would try to legislate fun:  (LINK)

3)  Kim Kardashian goes nude in W Magazine.  In other news, silver body paint is all the rage for this year’s number one Halloween costume…naked robot.  Get on the Trend Train ladies!:  (LINK)

4)  Greatest advertising campaign ever.  A liposuction clinic used a fat chick and a skinny chick to depict the before and after.  I have to say…I hate the insensitivity but I love the realistic portrayal.  It’s hard to argue with facts:  (LINK)

5)  The Republican Nominee for Ohio’s 9th District, Rich Iott, routinely dressed as a Nazi SS Officer. Apparently he wore the costume to bond with his young son.  Nice.  Nothing like spreading the ‘virtues’ of genocide to a younger generation:  (LINK)

The Hater Report #52

October 8, 2010

1)  Charlie Crist threw out the first pitch at the ALDS game between the Tampa Bay Rays and the Texas Rangers (video above)…needless to say, this won’t do much to help dispel those rumors about his secret love of dudes:  (LINK)

2)  Missouri Tea Party fights the good fight…against mandating humane conditions at puppy mills?  I realize they hate Obama, hippies, common sense, and education, but now, puppies?  That’s pretty extreme:  (LINK)

3)  In their rush to bash all things government, Fox News ran a fake story from the Weekly World News (aka Home of Bat Boy) that Los Angeles had invested $1 billion of tax payer money in jetpacks for their police force.  A story about jetpacks?  Might want to fact check that one next time:  (LINK)

4)  An aide to California Democratic Gubernatorial candidate, Jerry Brown, was caught on tape calling his Republican opponent, Meg Whitman, a whore.  This guy is way out of line.  She may have the worst hair cut ever and a face that looks like melting wax, but she is NOT a whore…someone would have to be willing to sleep with that Sasquatch first for his claim to even be remotely true:  (LINK)

Straight Heat of the Day: October 8th, 2010

October 8, 2010

Furry Lewis…Lay My Burden Down…I need to add some old-timing blues singers to my posse…increase my street cred…

The Hater Report #51

September 24, 2010

1)  USA loses #1 ranking.  Falls behind India and China as a preferred place to invest.  Great.  So now our country is worse off than a nation that still has the Plague and a regime openly enthusiastic about Child Labor.  That’s just tremendous!:  (LINK)

2)  Another day, another homophobic Bishop accused of coercing teenagers into sex.  Strange things are afoot in the Catholic Church.  These scandalous stories are becoming about as regular as my morning cup of coffee…but we shouldn’t worry.  He’ll explain everything this Sunday.  I’m expecting a steamy sermon:  (LINK)

3)  I like Russia more every day.  You couldn’t pay me to live there, but I do greatly admire their rugged, no-nonsense manner of handling business.  For instance, take their approach to crooked politicians.  They’re considering branding the left hands of Russian legislators convicted of taking bribes.  Beware the man with the mangled paw:  (LINK)

4)  Mini, famous for their tiny cars, has broken out of the box and introduced an electric scooter at this year’s Paris Auto Show.  Hipster-doofuses around the world squeal with delight.  As if the sleek, eco-friendly vehicle wasn’t already trendy enough, the scooter’s horn plays Florence and the Machine:  (LINK)

5)  The Queen of England tried to access the State Poverty Fund to heat her palace.  Are we still allowed to behead monarchs for reckless spending…Marie Antoinette-style? What if we bum-rush the palace in filthy clothing whilst brandishing pitchforks?  No?  Still no good?  Ah well…it sure would have been fun:  (LINK)

Straight Heat of the Day: September 22nd, 2010

September 22, 2010

The Specials…Gangsters…Live on Saturday Night Live…1980…this week is dragging…every person I run into seems to have the same feeling…desperate for Friday…time for a midweek break…rocksteady ska style…

The Hater Report #50

September 21, 2010

1)  Today’s DADT Vote is apparently “too close to call.”  I know the perfect way to break the stalemate…Sword Fight!:  (LINK)

2)  It’s almost October and you know what that means…it’s about time for the Christianists to fire up their annual cry-fest over the perceived (and hilarious) War on Christmas.  This year should be particularly fun with conservatives taking the gloves off, upping the ante, and releasing a feature length film.  “Christmas with a Capital C:  Putting Christ Back in Christmas” is an inspiring tale about a lone man’s struggle against a hell-bound liberal to keep a manger scene displayed in front of city hall.  Never in my wildest imagination did I ever think that Jefferson D’Arcy from Married With Children (famous for once saying,Since the wives are downtown feeding dinners to the homeless, shouldn’t we be at the nudie bar feeding dollars to the topless?”) would turn out to be a crusading God-Warrior:  (LINK)

3)  Christine O’Donnell is now facing ethics charges for her misuse of campaign funds to pay for her personal expenses.  She was forced to spend campaign dollars to pay her rent and utilities because she had no tangible income.  It’s comforting to know that we live in an era where you can be unemployed and still run for Senate:  (LINK)

4)  A Wisconsin District Attorney sent deviant sexual text messages to a domestic abuse victim whose boyfriend he was prosecuting.  Wow.  If that wasn’t disturbing enough, he went on to invite her on a date to an autopsy.  I mean, I could see where he was going with his thinking.  Choose a woman with a deadbeat boyfriend so you’ll automatically look like the man in a side by side comparison.  Not a bad move, but he really blew it when he introduced a dead body into the mix.  That’s classic Negative Ball Game:    (LINK)