Archive for the ‘Hater Report’ Category

The Hater Report #58

October 27, 2010

1)  Nothing like a heated election to bring out the best in people.  Watch as a grown man curb stomps a young girl’s melon.  It’s important to note that he is now demanding that SHE apologize to HIM.  Nice work America…nice work (see above video)

2)  Impending global extinction crisis hangs heavy over the Earth.  Number One most threatened American species on the list?  Common Sense:  (LINK)

3)  Charlie Sheen caught with a face full of blow and a bleeding hooker locked in his hotel closet.  What day is this?  Wednesday?  Oh, ok…sounds about right then:  (LINK)

4)  Katie Couric has been documenting her travels through the Midwest, or as she lovingly refers to it as, the “great unwashed middle of the country.”  Ouch!…biting remark by the so-called, Queen of Mean.  To be fair, while totally accurate, her comment  implies a conscious decision to be dirty on the part of the Red Staters when, in reality, their lack of cleanliness is out of their control.  They’re simply too fat to wash themselves.  Shorts arms and round bodies…terrible combo:  (LINK)

5)  The Family Research Council President has been getting wild recently.  Apparently emboldened by the rabid hate and anti-intellectualism that’s infected a depressing percentage of the American population, he is now claiming that gay teens commit suicide because they know they are “abnormal.”  It’s amazing the type of beliefs a man can rationalize in the name of God.  Amazing:  (LINK)

6)  A Republican candidate for Illinois state senate, Al Reynolds, silenced a crowd at a recent forum when he said that black men, “find it more lucrative to be able to do drugs or other avenues rather than do education.”  Nothing like an unfounded, ignorant, inflammatory, wide-sweeping, negative generalization to jump-start a floundering campaign!:  (LINK)

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The Hater Report #57

October 22, 2010

1)  A Texas Republican congressional candidate says that he will consider a violent overthrow of the government if he’s not elected.  Fortunately, he’s from Texas so all of his fellow constituents are too fat to get off the couch, let alone put in the effort needed to launch a coup:  (LINK)

2)  Italian trash crisis gets out of control.  Citizens enraged!  The world acts stunned, although I can’t figure out why… do you really expect to have a government run like a well-oiled machine when the country’s  men live with their mothers until the age of 40?:  (LINK)

3)  America is facing an impending diabetes epidemic.  According to a recent study, the number of diabetic fatties could triple by 2050.  Nutritionists are up in arms, but I say let it be.  By 2050, those of us who are still skinny will be considered super human.  Our ability to get around without the help of a scooter will render us the top of the food chain:  (LINK)

4)  Christine O’Donnell can’t name a single Democratic Senator.  Not one.  Nobody.  Just a note – both of her state’s Senators are Democrats.  Do you we really have to continue to pretend that this woman is a legitimate human being?:  (LINK)

The Hater Report #56

October 20, 2010

1)  The Pro Life Tea Party launches an aggressive ad campaign.  Portrays Obama as the Angel of Death, leading his minions across America atop the crest of a wave of hellfire and brimstone.  Is this really what we’re coming to?  An entire segment of our population living their lives based on fairy tales?  It’s truly a shame that stupidity isn’t painful.  (see above video)

2)  The 13 Most Expensive American Colleges in list format.  Whoa, is college really this expensive?  Oh man, I think I owe mom and dad an apology.  It breaks my heart to know that they spent over 100,000 of their hard-earned dollars so that I could learn how to play competitive Beirut, vomit without breaking a stride, inhale a five gallon Deer Park gravity bong in one pull, and properly apply the tenets of  “No Means Maybe”:  (LINK)

3)  Sarah Palin’s daughter, Bristol, has some serious accomplishments in her young life…teenage pregnancy, failed marriage, dropping out of high school, and being from Alaska.  Even with all of those achievements to her name, nothing can touch her most recent nadir of success…dancing on national television dressed as a gorilla in a pink tutu.   Sometimes you just have to love America…the only country where failing upwards actually happens:  (LINK)

4)  A mad scientist has created a machine constructed entirely of Legos that can build anything that your mind desires…from Legos!  In other news, my 8 year-old inner-child just discovered masturbation:  (LINK)

5)  The Top 9 ways that Americans waste money.  I was particularly surprised by #8 – Children’s Birthday parties.  Really?  Where are all these lucky kids?  All I ever got was a handwritten card from my father counting the years since I was born…also known as, the day his ‘fun life’ ended.  Strange:  (LINK)

6)  George W. Bush misses being pampered as President.  Air Force one was a sweet perk!  What he doesn’t miss is being responsible for starting never-ending wars, approving a systematic program of torture, exponentially expanding the country’s debt, and having to wash Dick Cheney’s back as he bathed in the blood of innocent children:   (LINK)

The Hater Report #55

October 18, 2010

1)  Christine O’Donnell…I’m not a witch.  Auto-tune style (see above video).  I’m generally not a parody guy, but this is pure gold.  I mean, at least it’s true.  She isn’t a witch…she’s just broke.

2)  Sharon Stone…age 52…in a bikini?  It reminds me of how I handle Dijon mustard…I know that the expiration date is meaningless, but I’m still hesitant to eat it once the date has passed:  (LINK)

3)  14 die at an annual Cambodian ceremony.  “Pol Pot’s Revenge” deemed too obscure to work as an official slogan:  (LINK)

4)  GOP Rep. McClintock claims the California voters don’t deserve to have Meg Whitman make decisions for them because she lacks principles.  I say they don’t deserve her for another reason…because she lacks the musculoskeletal system to support the overwhelming weight of her fat face:  (LINK)

5)  Minimum wage is unconstitutional according to Republicans.  But working full-time for peanuts is what it means to be American.  Correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t we free the slaves in 1863?:  (LINK)

6)  Barney Frank’s boyfriend heckled his GOP opponent after their debate.  I know…I know.  I can’t believe anyone would date that mush-mouthed loser either.  Although, I will say…he’s doing pretty good for a Care Bears’ Cartoon extra:  (LINK)

7)  A man died after getting hit in the head with a golf ball.  Michael Douglas ponders aloud, “Was he wearing a stupid little hat?”:  (LINK)