Archive for the ‘News’ Category

The Hater Report #58

October 27, 2010

1)  Nothing like a heated election to bring out the best in people.  Watch as a grown man curb stomps a young girl’s melon.  It’s important to note that he is now demanding that SHE apologize to HIM.  Nice work America…nice work (see above video)

2)  Impending global extinction crisis hangs heavy over the Earth.  Number One most threatened American species on the list?  Common Sense:  (LINK)

3)  Charlie Sheen caught with a face full of blow and a bleeding hooker locked in his hotel closet.  What day is this?  Wednesday?  Oh, ok…sounds about right then:  (LINK)

4)  Katie Couric has been documenting her travels through the Midwest, or as she lovingly refers to it as, the “great unwashed middle of the country.”  Ouch!…biting remark by the so-called, Queen of Mean.  To be fair, while totally accurate, her comment  implies a conscious decision to be dirty on the part of the Red Staters when, in reality, their lack of cleanliness is out of their control.  They’re simply too fat to wash themselves.  Shorts arms and round bodies…terrible combo:  (LINK)

5)  The Family Research Council President has been getting wild recently.  Apparently emboldened by the rabid hate and anti-intellectualism that’s infected a depressing percentage of the American population, he is now claiming that gay teens commit suicide because they know they are “abnormal.”  It’s amazing the type of beliefs a man can rationalize in the name of God.  Amazing:  (LINK)

6)  A Republican candidate for Illinois state senate, Al Reynolds, silenced a crowd at a recent forum when he said that black men, “find it more lucrative to be able to do drugs or other avenues rather than do education.”  Nothing like an unfounded, ignorant, inflammatory, wide-sweeping, negative generalization to jump-start a floundering campaign!:  (LINK)

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The Hater Report #57

October 22, 2010

1)  A Texas Republican congressional candidate says that he will consider a violent overthrow of the government if he’s not elected.  Fortunately, he’s from Texas so all of his fellow constituents are too fat to get off the couch, let alone put in the effort needed to launch a coup:  (LINK)

2)  Italian trash crisis gets out of control.  Citizens enraged!  The world acts stunned, although I can’t figure out why… do you really expect to have a government run like a well-oiled machine when the country’s  men live with their mothers until the age of 40?:  (LINK)

3)  America is facing an impending diabetes epidemic.  According to a recent study, the number of diabetic fatties could triple by 2050.  Nutritionists are up in arms, but I say let it be.  By 2050, those of us who are still skinny will be considered super human.  Our ability to get around without the help of a scooter will render us the top of the food chain:  (LINK)

4)  Christine O’Donnell can’t name a single Democratic Senator.  Not one.  Nobody.  Just a note – both of her state’s Senators are Democrats.  Do you we really have to continue to pretend that this woman is a legitimate human being?:  (LINK)

The Hater Report #56

October 20, 2010

1)  The Pro Life Tea Party launches an aggressive ad campaign.  Portrays Obama as the Angel of Death, leading his minions across America atop the crest of a wave of hellfire and brimstone.  Is this really what we’re coming to?  An entire segment of our population living their lives based on fairy tales?  It’s truly a shame that stupidity isn’t painful.  (see above video)

2)  The 13 Most Expensive American Colleges in list format.  Whoa, is college really this expensive?  Oh man, I think I owe mom and dad an apology.  It breaks my heart to know that they spent over 100,000 of their hard-earned dollars so that I could learn how to play competitive Beirut, vomit without breaking a stride, inhale a five gallon Deer Park gravity bong in one pull, and properly apply the tenets of  “No Means Maybe”:  (LINK)

3)  Sarah Palin’s daughter, Bristol, has some serious accomplishments in her young life…teenage pregnancy, failed marriage, dropping out of high school, and being from Alaska.  Even with all of those achievements to her name, nothing can touch her most recent nadir of success…dancing on national television dressed as a gorilla in a pink tutu.   Sometimes you just have to love America…the only country where failing upwards actually happens:  (LINK)

4)  A mad scientist has created a machine constructed entirely of Legos that can build anything that your mind desires…from Legos!  In other news, my 8 year-old inner-child just discovered masturbation:  (LINK)

5)  The Top 9 ways that Americans waste money.  I was particularly surprised by #8 – Children’s Birthday parties.  Really?  Where are all these lucky kids?  All I ever got was a handwritten card from my father counting the years since I was born…also known as, the day his ‘fun life’ ended.  Strange:  (LINK)

6)  George W. Bush misses being pampered as President.  Air Force one was a sweet perk!  What he doesn’t miss is being responsible for starting never-ending wars, approving a systematic program of torture, exponentially expanding the country’s debt, and having to wash Dick Cheney’s back as he bathed in the blood of innocent children:   (LINK)

The Hater Report #55

October 18, 2010

1)  Christine O’Donnell…I’m not a witch.  Auto-tune style (see above video).  I’m generally not a parody guy, but this is pure gold.  I mean, at least it’s true.  She isn’t a witch…she’s just broke.

2)  Sharon Stone…age 52…in a bikini?  It reminds me of how I handle Dijon mustard…I know that the expiration date is meaningless, but I’m still hesitant to eat it once the date has passed:  (LINK)

3)  14 die at an annual Cambodian ceremony.  “Pol Pot’s Revenge” deemed too obscure to work as an official slogan:  (LINK)

4)  GOP Rep. McClintock claims the California voters don’t deserve to have Meg Whitman make decisions for them because she lacks principles.  I say they don’t deserve her for another reason…because she lacks the musculoskeletal system to support the overwhelming weight of her fat face:  (LINK)

5)  Minimum wage is unconstitutional according to Republicans.  But working full-time for peanuts is what it means to be American.  Correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t we free the slaves in 1863?:  (LINK)

6)  Barney Frank’s boyfriend heckled his GOP opponent after their debate.  I know…I know.  I can’t believe anyone would date that mush-mouthed loser either.  Although, I will say…he’s doing pretty good for a Care Bears’ Cartoon extra:  (LINK)

7)  A man died after getting hit in the head with a golf ball.  Michael Douglas ponders aloud, “Was he wearing a stupid little hat?”:  (LINK)

The Hater Report #54

October 13, 2010

1)  Clint Webb for Senate.  The most accurate political ad to ever air on television.  “I don’t make friends…I make acquaintances.”  (see above)

2)  Gay?  Noooo!  Don’t be ridiculous.  We just like to cuddle in a double bed together…every night.  Relax!  Don’t be so uptight!   Heterosexual men do it all the time…right?:  (LINK)

3)  A deranged son killed his parents for calling him lazy.  I guess he showed them…there’s nothing lazy about committing a double homicide.  That takes some intense manual labor.  Those  lifeless bodies aren’t going to hide themselves!:  (LINK)

4)  Christine O’Donnell has raised nearly $1 million per week since she won the Delaware primary.  That’s a lot of scratch.  She may not win the election, but at least she’ll be able to pay all her bills for once!:  (LINK)

5)  Perez Hilton had an epiphany.  He’s ashamed of his past adolescent behavior.  From this day forward, he promises that he will no longer resort to cold-hearted, cruel-spirited bullying on his blog.  Unfortunately, he failed to comment on whether or not he will still be annoying:  (LINK)

The Hater Report #53

October 12, 2010

1)  Joe Manchin.  I dare you to not vote for him (see above).

2)  An unfortunate teen was arrested for tipping over a port-a-potty that had a boy inside.  Since when did good old fashioned pranks become illegal?  I never thought I’d live to see the day when the Man would try to legislate fun:  (LINK)

3)  Kim Kardashian goes nude in W Magazine.  In other news, silver body paint is all the rage for this year’s number one Halloween costume…naked robot.  Get on the Trend Train ladies!:  (LINK)

4)  Greatest advertising campaign ever.  A liposuction clinic used a fat chick and a skinny chick to depict the before and after.  I have to say…I hate the insensitivity but I love the realistic portrayal.  It’s hard to argue with facts:  (LINK)

5)  The Republican Nominee for Ohio’s 9th District, Rich Iott, routinely dressed as a Nazi SS Officer. Apparently he wore the costume to bond with his young son.  Nice.  Nothing like spreading the ‘virtues’ of genocide to a younger generation:  (LINK)

The Hater Report #52

October 8, 2010

1)  Charlie Crist threw out the first pitch at the ALDS game between the Tampa Bay Rays and the Texas Rangers (video above)…needless to say, this won’t do much to help dispel those rumors about his secret love of dudes:  (LINK)

2)  Missouri Tea Party fights the good fight…against mandating humane conditions at puppy mills?  I realize they hate Obama, hippies, common sense, and education, but now, puppies?  That’s pretty extreme:  (LINK)

3)  In their rush to bash all things government, Fox News ran a fake story from the Weekly World News (aka Home of Bat Boy) that Los Angeles had invested $1 billion of tax payer money in jetpacks for their police force.  A story about jetpacks?  Might want to fact check that one next time:  (LINK)

4)  An aide to California Democratic Gubernatorial candidate, Jerry Brown, was caught on tape calling his Republican opponent, Meg Whitman, a whore.  This guy is way out of line.  She may have the worst hair cut ever and a face that looks like melting wax, but she is NOT a whore…someone would have to be willing to sleep with that Sasquatch first for his claim to even be remotely true:  (LINK)

The Hater Report #51

September 24, 2010

1)  USA loses #1 ranking.  Falls behind India and China as a preferred place to invest.  Great.  So now our country is worse off than a nation that still has the Plague and a regime openly enthusiastic about Child Labor.  That’s just tremendous!:  (LINK)

2)  Another day, another homophobic Bishop accused of coercing teenagers into sex.  Strange things are afoot in the Catholic Church.  These scandalous stories are becoming about as regular as my morning cup of coffee…but we shouldn’t worry.  He’ll explain everything this Sunday.  I’m expecting a steamy sermon:  (LINK)

3)  I like Russia more every day.  You couldn’t pay me to live there, but I do greatly admire their rugged, no-nonsense manner of handling business.  For instance, take their approach to crooked politicians.  They’re considering branding the left hands of Russian legislators convicted of taking bribes.  Beware the man with the mangled paw:  (LINK)

4)  Mini, famous for their tiny cars, has broken out of the box and introduced an electric scooter at this year’s Paris Auto Show.  Hipster-doofuses around the world squeal with delight.  As if the sleek, eco-friendly vehicle wasn’t already trendy enough, the scooter’s horn plays Florence and the Machine:  (LINK)

5)  The Queen of England tried to access the State Poverty Fund to heat her palace.  Are we still allowed to behead monarchs for reckless spending…Marie Antoinette-style? What if we bum-rush the palace in filthy clothing whilst brandishing pitchforks?  No?  Still no good?  Ah well…it sure would have been fun:  (LINK)

The Hater Report #50

September 21, 2010

1)  Today’s DADT Vote is apparently “too close to call.”  I know the perfect way to break the stalemate…Sword Fight!:  (LINK)

2)  It’s almost October and you know what that means…it’s about time for the Christianists to fire up their annual cry-fest over the perceived (and hilarious) War on Christmas.  This year should be particularly fun with conservatives taking the gloves off, upping the ante, and releasing a feature length film.  “Christmas with a Capital C:  Putting Christ Back in Christmas” is an inspiring tale about a lone man’s struggle against a hell-bound liberal to keep a manger scene displayed in front of city hall.  Never in my wildest imagination did I ever think that Jefferson D’Arcy from Married With Children (famous for once saying,Since the wives are downtown feeding dinners to the homeless, shouldn’t we be at the nudie bar feeding dollars to the topless?”) would turn out to be a crusading God-Warrior:  (LINK)

3)  Christine O’Donnell is now facing ethics charges for her misuse of campaign funds to pay for her personal expenses.  She was forced to spend campaign dollars to pay her rent and utilities because she had no tangible income.  It’s comforting to know that we live in an era where you can be unemployed and still run for Senate:  (LINK)

4)  A Wisconsin District Attorney sent deviant sexual text messages to a domestic abuse victim whose boyfriend he was prosecuting.  Wow.  If that wasn’t disturbing enough, he went on to invite her on a date to an autopsy.  I mean, I could see where he was going with his thinking.  Choose a woman with a deadbeat boyfriend so you’ll automatically look like the man in a side by side comparison.  Not a bad move, but he really blew it when he introduced a dead body into the mix.  That’s classic Negative Ball Game:    (LINK)

The Hater Report #49

September 20, 2010

1)  Christine O’Donnell dabbled in witchcraft.  Why not?  At this point, there’s not much that she could do to surprise me.  Short of a guest appearance in a snuff film, she’s got all the crazy bases covered:  (LINK)

2)  Tony Perkins, Supreme Overlord of the Family Research Council (aka The Fun Police), is a slobbering moron.  Over the weekend, in an attempt to attack the premise of gays in the military in light of the upcoming DADT vote, he claimed that countries that have allowed gays to serve openly no longer fight wars, instead opting for lavish, limp-wristed, effeminate parades.  Israel, Great Britain, Australia, Canada, Germany, Italy, Spain, and France all respond in kind…extend arm, raise middle finger :  (LINK)

3)  The Old Spice guy is pretty masculine but he’s got nothing on Christopher Hitchens.  Even in the grips of cancer, he has the testicular fortitude to stand by his principles and skip his own prayer day:  (LINK)

4)  Obama brings the heat!  Asks Tea Party, “Identify, specifically, what would you do?”  Their response was predictable but entirely unhelpful…“We’ll do what we always do.  Make signs, scream, cry, slang racism, eat Burger King, appear on “Cops”, smoke meth, and sleep with our siblings”:  (LINK)

The Hater Report #48

September 17, 2010

1)  109 MPH winds slam New York City.  Looks like God is finally wreaking his long-predicted havoc on the lair of the godless liberals.  You better watch out San Francisco, if what I’ve heard from the conservative Christians is true, then you’re sure to be next!:  (LINK)

2)  Friday Fun!  The 8 Greatest Political statements ever featured on “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia“:  (LINK)

3)  Putin poised to run for the Russian Presidency in 2012.  His worshippers have yearned for the day when their fearless leader would storm back into power, shirtless, astride the back of a fire-breathing dragon, slaying his enemies with a 12 foot broad sword, and restoring honor to the barren throne.  A modern-day Conan the Barbarian:  (LINK)

4)  In case it’s been forgotten in the wave of her endorsement successes, Palin is still an idiot. Watch in awkward disbelief as she can’t even name the candidate that she so strongly supported in New Hampshire.  Whenever I picture her brain, all I see is a hamster running on a wheel to a soundtrack of calliope music:  (LINK)

5)  The Definitive Christine O’Donnell Primer.  Everything you ever wanted to know about this mouth-breathing, knuckle-dragging Neanderthal.  You literally won’t believe your eyes.  Her stupidity is staggering.  I wouldn’t let her wash my car, let alone vote on my country’s legislation:  (LINK)

The Hater Report #47

September 16, 2010

1)  Meet our newest Tea Party Nominee.   New York gubernatorial candidate, Carl Paladino.  He enjoys summer sunsets, water skiing, mom’s home-cooked meatloaf, and late-night reruns of Perfect Strangers.  He’s looking for a life-partner that can share his love of racist jokes, filthy porn, and aggressive bestiality.  If elected, he promises to turn all state prisons into dormitories for welfare recipients so that “[he can] teach them personal hygiene.”  Let’s give it up for Carl Paladino everybody!:  (LINK)

2)  Happy 200th Birthday Mexico!  Good luck with allllll that…:  (LINK)

3)  Pope Benedict’s aide is under fire for his comment that Britain is a third-world country.  I’m not sure whether he’s right or not, but that would certainly explain the rampant lack of dental care amongst its citizenry…snaggle-teeth abound:  (LINK)

4)  Ever wonder where those delicious little cheeseburger sliders come from?  Meet Swallow, the world’s smallest cow:  (LINK)

5)  Charles Pierce rips O’Donnell over at Esquire.  Political journalists and bloggers are frothing at the mouth to take this woman down…giddy at the sheer volume of damning and hilarious information with which to mock her.  It shouldn’t be too hard…she’s a campaign opponent’s dream…rife with verbal gaffes, extreme ideas, and fringe beliefs.  Pierce nails it with the money quote – “Christine O’Donnell’s campaign is a successful exercise in angry, misfit masturbation, with as little to do with the deadly problems this country faces as some guy wanking in the balcony of a grindhouse has to do with Romeo and Juliet”:  (LINK)

The Hater Report #46

September 15, 2010

1)  The Catholic Church is a strange and stubborn group.  First they continue to insist that the ancient practice of man-boy love isn’t all that bad, now they’re holding a conference to reject Galileo’s claim that the Earth is NOT the center of the universe.  What year is this?:  (LINK)

2)  Karl Rove has reared his bulbous dome to slam the Tea Party’s newest menace, Christine O’Donnell, for perfectly embodying the delusional, unprincipled, and fact-weary fringe of the far right.  She absolutely dominated yesterday’s Republican primary in Delaware despite her well-documented history of fiscal irresponsibility & her penchant for brazen lying…this includes her bizarre $5,800 salary last year, lien threats, foreclosures, IRS audits, campaign debt, usage of donor funds to pay her rent, and falsehoods about supposedly earning a degree from Fairleigh Dickinson University in 1993 that she just received a week ago (conveniently).   It’s amazing how unabashedly unfit for office she truly is, but then again, who needs facts when you can live on ignorance?  The Tea Party is a joke.  I never thought I would ever say this, but for once, I agree with Rove and his disgusting double chin:  (LINK)

3)  I always assumed that Republicans were a boring lot based on their rabid love of Jesus and hatred of all things fun.  Turns out I was wrong.  Check out the raucous photos from a party held last week during the annual Fall Board of Directors Meeting for The National Federation of Republican Women in Charleston, S.C…Oh, you aren’t seeing things…that’s Glenn McConnell, South Carolina Senate President, dressed up as  Confederate general sharing some strong drink and some good cheer with his slaves!  Woo Hoo!  That’s old school…like, really old school.  Do these guys know how to party or what?:  (LINK)

4)  Rush Limbaugh is an upstanding citizen and the leader of the moral majority in America.  No matter how much the limp-wristed liberals whine about him, we all know the guy is just a class act with a heart of gold.  Sure he was a drug addict, a sex tourist, a serial-divorcer, and a hate monger of the highest order, but you shouldn’t let any of that influence your reaction to his recent rant against the pretty NFL reporter that was harassed by the Jets after their game last Sunday.  According to Rush, it was all her fault.  She knew she had “ass-sets”…she knew she was “boob-alicious, booty-licious”…and yet, she still had the gall to walk down amongst the football players to perform the job that she gets paid to do!  Her physical attributes basically forced them to harass her.  What else were these grown, adult men supposed to do?  How dare she!:  (LINK)

5)  What happened to elections in America?  When did they begin to incite widespread madness in the general populace?  It’s hard to tell whether we’re watching a legitimate political exercise with serious consequences or an episode of WWE’s Monday Night Raw.  The outrageous theatricality of modern political movements is enough to make the fleet-footed weirdos on Glee blush.  The showmanship is unparalleled.  For example, at the annual Naches Sportsman’s Day parade in Yakima, Washington, a local Tea Party group rolled out a float featuring President Obama whipping a malnourished white teenager.  Tasteless?  Sure.  Entertaining?  Hell yeah!  They wouldn’t have it any other way:  (LINK)

6)  In honor of Harry Reid’s pledge to bring the DADT vote to the Senate floor next week, here is a collection of the most homoerotic sports photos ever taken:  (LINK)

The Hater Report #45

September 10, 2010

1)  Playboy Centerfold totally freaks out on a plane…tries to open the emergency exit.   Fortunately for everyone onboard, to open the door she would have had to turn the handle to her ‘other’ left:  (LINK)

2)  Arnold Schwarzenegger is a real man.  Whether he’s smoking joints at Lou Ferrigno’s birthday party or saving Danny DeVito’s life in “Twins”, he can do no wrong.   Case in point.  Arnold wins Joke of the Day for his Twitter blasting of Sarah Palin from his airplane:  “Over Anchorage, AK. Looking everywhere but can’t see Russia from here. Will keep you updated as search continues”:  (LINK)

3)  Move over Chuck Norris, there’s a new badass in town.   Kris Kerr was photographing his friend surfing when he noticed a shark charging toward him…instead of panicking, he stood his ground, took a picture, then punched the shark right in the face.  To add insult to injury, as the shark tried to flee, Kerr chased it down, put it in a headlock, and mocked its lack of manliness in front of a school of female fish:  (LINK)

4)  People say that you can’t help a person with a destructive lifestyle to change until they’ve reached rock bottom.  I’m not a counserlor, but I’m pretty sure that getting fired from your job as a hooker at the Bunny Ranch for ‘improper conduct’ consitutes a bottom.  If you’re actually too trashy to be a whore, then it’s probably time to take a hard look in the mirror…ha:  (LINK)

The Hater Report #44

September 9, 2010

1)  Mike Tyson’s greatest regret?  Not getting high with Tupac.  That’s pretty bold coming from a guy who has a history of punching old ladies, raping celebrity women, chewing on human ears, abusing pet tigers, and announcing that he would eat an adversary’s children.  It’s inspiring to see that he’s achieved some clarity in his old age:  (LINK)

 2)  Joe Montana slanders “Rudy”.  Please add him to the No Fly List…Anyone who doesn’t wholeheartedly love “Rudy” is clearly a terrorist:  (LINK)

3)  Republicans are excited for 9/11.  That’s right.  Excited!  What a great day to bamboozle the ignorant masses!  Is anyone else as disheartened as I am to watch these greedy vultures exploit an American tragedy to make money?  Shame is such an underrated virtue these days:  (LINK)

4)  Morrissey says that the Chinese are a sub-human species.  Eh hem!  Last I checked Mr. Morrissey was Irish.  What’s that old saying?  Those in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones?:  (LINK)

The Hater Report #43

September 8, 2010

1)  RightNetwork, a conservative television entertainment network, has officially launched.  A whole channel dedicated to telling me what I’m not allowed to do?  No thanks…I already have parents:  (LINK)

2)  Lady Gaga wears a meat bikini.  I think we’re supposed to be shocked, but I’m just kind of hungry.  By the look of fear on her face, we can only hope that she’s just been surprised by the arrival of a starving lion on set:  (LINK)

 3)  Don’t miss this Saturday’s God Hates Islam, Gays, and Common Sense Bonanza!  Event organizers haven’t yet released the official itinerary, but the word on the street is that the party will encore with a good, old-fashioned cross burning set to a rocking live performance of “Pink Houses” by Florida’s third best John Cougar Mellencamp cover band:  (LINK)

4)  Joran Van Der Sloot says he feels ‘guilty’ about everything that’s happened in the past five years.  Well, he shouldn’t feel too guilty…he may have killed TWO girls but he did only try to extort money from ONE of their families:  (LINK)

The Hater Report #42

September 7, 2010

1)  What do the homeless and the obese have in common (aside from difficulties bathing)?  They’re both up in arms about McDonald’s Dollar Menu price increase:  (LINK)

 2)  Labor strikes cripple Paris and London… once again Europeans brazenly flaunt their extreme laziness to the rest of the world…in an effeminate voice, they unabashedly proclaim that their hectic, 15 hour work week is simply too much to expect from a human being:  (LINK)

3)  German police have raided a notorious Neo-Nazi headquarters.  Expecting a well-armed, heavily muscled, aggressive group of hardened criminals, cops were flabbergasted to find a bunch of dorks drooling over a particularly heated game of Dungeons and Dragons.  Apparently, the whole Neo-Nazi movement is nothing more than a desperate plea for attention by a pathetic pack of nerds…who knew?:  (LINK)

 4)  Another powerful Iranian cleric claims the Holocaust is just a superstition…dude, we get it.  You hate Israel.  Booooring.  If you’re going to insist on throwing out unfounded nonsense on such a regular basis couldn’t you at least mix it up a little…get creative on it?  Iran is worse than a toddler jabbering for his mother’s undivided awareness while she talks on the phone.  It makes me just want to pat Iran on the head and tell them to go outside to play so the adults can talk:  (LINK)

The Hater Report #41

September 1, 2010

1)  An armed man has stormed the Discovery Channel headquarters and is holding employees hostage.  Look, look…as much as we all love Shark Week, you always knew it had to come to an end…no reason to totally fly off the handle…just like Christmas, it’ll be back next year big guy:  (LINK)

2)  Glenn Beck continues to shriek for a revitalization of America through a strong unification of Christians throughout our hallowed lands.  Not to be out of line, but isn’t Glenn Beck a self-professed Mormon?  I wasn’t aware that Mormons were Christians.  I grew up Christian and, while I remember lots of stories about fantastically old men and talking animals, I don’t ever recall being taught to wear magic underwear or that Jesus used to walk amongst the fruited plains of America or to date six girls at the same time.  He must have a different Bible than the one I was so unmercifully forced to read…or he may be insane.  I’m going with #2:  (LINK)

 3)  13 weird ways that people get high around the world.  If you thought crystal meth was crazy, you haven’t seen anything yet.  People in Africa drink Jet Fuel…not the ruthless-hangover-inducing mixture of a small sampling of every bottle of booze in your parent’s liquor cabinet that used to rear its ugly head when they went out of town, but, real-live, actual Jet Fuel.  I’m not a doctor, but I’m pretty sure that can’t be good for you…although, on second thought, considering that in Africa this is only the 380th worst way to die, you might as well go for it:  (LINK)

4)  A heathen girl recently posted a video to YouTube that shows her savagely throwing helpless puppies into a river.  People are up in arms…I wouldn’t sweat it if I were you.  I’m pretty sure Satan has this one under control:  (LINK)

The Hater Report #40

August 31, 2010

1)  Eight people were killed in a Molotov cocktail attack at a bar in Cancun.  I think it’s official…Mexico is a third world country…long gone are the wild, carefree days when the Girls Went Wild:  (LINK)

2)  Christopher Hitchens body-slams Glenn Beck.  Even in the grips of death, the man can verbally gut an adversary with the best of them…slaughters his cheesy rally with a brutally accurate description…“large, vague, moist, and undirected—the Waterworld of white self-pity”:  (LINK)

 3)  In news of the unexpected, a recent study found that heavy drinkers outlive non-drinkers.  So now, not only are their stories a tremendous bore, but the sober also die young…sucks to be a nerd:  (LINK)

4)  Serbia hosts the 7th Annual World Testicle Cooking Championship.  There are literally so many jokes that could apply to this story that I couldn’t choose just one…frozen by the paralysis of the Tyranny of Choice, I choose none:  (LINK)

5)  25% of strippers in England have an undergraduate degree…so it’s not just a clever sales strategy to play on the empathetic pity of drunken slobs?  Huh…it would appear that I owe Krystal and Jade an apology:  (LINK)

The Hater Report #39

August 27, 2010

1)  Glenn Beck is holding a massive rally this weekend on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial. Whimsically dubbed, The Restoring Honor Rally, many have suggested that, due to the rampant inbreeding that  is sure to exist amongst the attendees, it might be more appropriate to just call it what it really is…a family reunion:  (LINK)

2)  Former George W. Bush campaign chief, Ken Mehlman, has announced that he is gay!  Notorious for running a rabidly anti-gay, campaign, this news came as a shock to many political observers…I guess they never thought to check his Facebook information page…I don’t know many straight men whose professed occupation is “being fabulous”:  (LINK)

3)  Vladimir Putin spent last Wednesday shooting gray whales with a crossbow off the coast of the Kamchatka Peninsula.  When his entourage got back to shore, he wrestled a bear into submission, raced a panther, scaled a mountain, and ate a 96 ounce steak…raw:  (LINK)

4)  A Great White Shark has been spotted off the coast of Provincetown.  There’s a good joke in this story somewhere.  Hmmmm.  I know what gay horses eat, but I haven’t a clue as to the culinary preferences of gay sharks:  (LINK)

The Hater Report #38

August 25, 2010

1)  A fire tornado swept across Brazil yesterday.  Citizens were initially terrified until they realized that it had totally decimated the decades-long AIDs tornado:  (LINK)

 2)  A Polish man was shot in the head while he was drunk and didn’t realize it until five years later.  Obvious Polish jokes aside, this is an incredible story.  Alcohol is a miracle drug…it can make you abandon your children, beat your wife, flunk out of college, pee your pants, and, apparently, survive gunshot wounds to the back of the dome:  (LINK)

 3)  Three Colombian teens whose names appear on a Facebook Hit List have been killed in the past 10 days.  I can’t think of a list I’d be less enthused to appear on.  Colombians don’t seem to know much outside of coffee and cocaine, but they clearly have a firm grasp on the whole murder concept:  (LINK)

4)  A “Beat Whitey Night” was held in Iowa.  Unfortunate title.  I can’t figure out why the event organizers went this route.  I attended last year and it was lovely.  Punch was served, people from all walks of life held hands, laughter rang through the valley, and the night culminated in a rousing fairground-wide square dance to the Electric Slide…the true anthem of racial harmony.  I’m saddened to see them stray so far from the original script…ha:  (LINK)

5)  Grave robbers steal a woman’s corpse from a crypt.  Uh…guys.  I hate to point out the obvious, but Bernie is a man’s name?  There’s no way a classy, dead lady from a mausoleum is going to reanimate at the behest of cheesy reggae music:  (LINK)

On Things Hitchens

August 25, 2010

Christopher Hitchens will no doubt put cancer in a chokehold and belittle it for a few more years before finally letting it have sway, at which point secular humanists the world ’round will be gnashing teeth, but before then, a poem by Roz Kaveney.

It’s going to be hard without this guy around. Not to bury him before he’s finished his Scotch, but I can’t help considering how strange it is to have reached the age in which the public figures I admire threaten to drop off. Previously, whenever I’d hear Don McLean’s “American Pie,” I’d think his sulking over passing celebrities was not befitting a grown man. Such indulgent sorrow over deaths of those who one does not know personally seemed to me the province of sentimental, woebegone housewives addicted to E! and white wine. When Kurt Cobain died, I, who loved his albums, was in thrall to the media coverage, but to be honest, on that day I was excited, not sorrowful. A prominent citizen in the sleepy backwater of my imagination–I felt a certain ownership, you see–had made national news. Local boy done good. (Only he done bad.)

But it’ll be different with Hitchens. To my meager lights he seems irreplaceable and too important to be allowed to leave. He ought to be stopped. We ought to write nasty letters to editors, interrupt our respective neighborhood associations’ meetings, and storm the medical research labs while demanding action, action, and still more action while promising bloody reprisals if we don’t get our way. Probably, someone should get working on a nice ballad, too. Just in case.

The Hater Report #37

August 24, 2010

1)  Tea Party darling, Sharron Angle, campaigned against a football team wearing black jerseys because she argued that black is a ‘thoroughly evil’ color.  During the same campaign, she also advocated the removal of all Mogwais from  local pet shops , highlighting the dangerous knowledge that if you feed them after midnight, they will turn into Gremlins:  (LINK)

2)  China’s 60 mile traffic jam drags into its 10th day.  At what point do you just say screw it and ditch the car?  No earthly possession could possibly be worth this amount of aggravation:  (LINK)

3)  550 million eggs have been recalled in the United States due to a widespread salmonella outbreak.  Is it wrong that I’m now craving an Egg McMuffin?:  (LINK)

 4)  Chuck Norris refuses to believe that Obama is a Christian.  His evidence?  When asked for a source of inspiration in his life, Obama cited Gandhi instead of Jesus.  A Hindu?  How dare he?  What does it say about a country when the star of Walker Texas Ranger is considered to be a leading religious expert?:  (LINK)

The Hater Report #36

August 23, 2010

1)  Iran unveils its first ever, unmanned bomber aircraft.  Dubbed, “The Ambassador of Death,” it looks more like a cheap prop from a 1950s science fiction movie than a weapon of mass destruction…I can even see the film’s title now… “The Day the Earth Stood Still…To Laugh at Iran”:  (LINK)

2)  Philadelphia is attempting to charge bloggers $300 for the privilege of blogging in the city.  Did you hear that stampede of rumbling footsteps?  That was the sound of 500 lonely nerds thundering up the basement stairs to beg their mothers for a check:  (LINK)

3)  Mystery illness strikes football team.  Apparently, ‘mystery illness’ is the new code word for steroids:  (LINK)

4)  An 85 year old grandfather was caught trying to smuggle pot to his grandson in jail.  It sure is heartwarming to see some good old fashioned, inter-generational bonding between a family of fine, upstanding American citizens.  Guess what state this happened in.  I’ll give you two hints: jean shorts are still considered high fashion and the producers of Cops love to film here…Florida?  Ah, close!  Great guess, but it’s Ohio!:  (LINK)