The Hater Report #35

1)  24% of Americans think Obama is a Muslim.  I tried to tell him that his Iron Sheik Halloween costume would come back to haunt him, but his rabid love of 1980s Professional Wrestling clouded his better judgment:  (LINK)

 2)  A group of Canadian marijuana farmers were using bears to protect their crops.  Seems like it should have been a strong plan, but the bears turned out to be horrible at their job.  When the cops arrived, they sat around eating snacks.  Didn’t even get up to say hello.  Sounds like the bears were doing a little more than just guarding the ganja.  Lesson learned…next time, the farmers will be sure to teach them Biggie’s 10 Crack Commandments:  (LINK)

3)  No plans set for this upcoming September 11^th?  Why not swing by the Dove World Church for a good old fashioned Koran bonfire?  It’s going to be a blast…I hear they’ll be having a pig roast as an extra F-You:  (LINK)

4)  Apparently, there’s been a rise in the number of radioactive boars in Germany.  This is great news.  If Saturday morning cartoons have taught me anything, it should only be a matter of time before they start fighting crime:  (LINK)

The Hater Report #34

1)  Move over Tiger Woods…it turns out that ancient Roman Charioteer, Gaius Appuleius Diocles, was the best paid athlete of all time.  During the course of his 24 year career in the Circus Maximus, he made approximately $15 billion…he was also savvy enough to avoid leaving a text message trail to the objects of his secret trysts:  (LINK)

 2)  Controversial Bulgarian Diaspora Minister, Bozhidar Dimitrov, has lashed out against Bulgarian women for wearing revealing clothes to church.  He claims that even the lowliest Russian whore has enough common sense to dress appropriately in the House of the Lord.  More scandalous than Russian whores, eh?  This sounds spicy…I need to make a note to swing by a service next time I’m in town:  (LINK)

3)  Fox News parent company, News Corp., has donated $1 million dollars to the Republican Governors Association for the upcoming gubernatorial elections.  I guess they’re officially giving up on that whole fair and balanced ruse:  (LINK)

4)  Here are the fifteen craziest statements ever to be vomited out of Sarah Palin’s annoying face.  There is literally no difference between the things that she says on a regular basis and the ranting of the filthy, crazy homeless guy that lives behind the dumpster on the corner of my block:  (LINK)

The Hater Report #33

1)  Montreal Night Club holds a No Fat Chicks party!  I’d say they were in trouble, but thankfully the targets of their attack are too lazy to do anything about it.  In fact, a fat friend of mine got so tired explaining her outrage, that she forgot what she was talking about halfway through her rant, picked up the phone and ordered Domino’s:  (LINK)

2)  Friday Fun!  The most homoerotic vintage ads of all time:  (LINK)

3)  Rush Limbaugh marries for the FOURTH time.  This should certainly lend some credibility to his regular rants about the sanctity of marriage…ha:  (LINK)

4)  Iran’s first nuclear plant is set to launch next week.  Thanks to a generous donation from the Russians, the Iranians were finally able to buy enough AA batteries to power the plant:  (LINK)

5)  Cal Thomas says that supporting gay marriage is the same as supporting slavery during the Civil War.  I’ve never met God, but I’m pretty sure he would smite Cal Thomas if he were real:  (LINK)

The Hater Report #32

1)  In news of the creepy, a man was arrested for groping a nurse while she was delivering his baby.  Pretty inappropriate and a bit crass, but I can see where he’s coming from.  He’s going to need someone to keep him warm while he’s forced to wait for his girlfriend to get back in shape:  (LINK)

 2)  The North Korean World Cup soccer team was tortured as a punishment for their early exit from this summer’s tournament.  Brutal and totally unfair…how could anyone possibly expect a team of malnourished man-children, averaging just over 4 feet tall to compete against real, adult-sized athletes?:  (LINK)

 3)  Free the Black Looney Tunes!  Despite the obvious racism, this article claims that these classic cartoons are tremendous works of art and should be viewed within the context of the time that they were created.  I’ve never seen Coal Black and de Sebben Dwarves or Goldilocks and the Jivin’ Bears, but I have a feeling this argument will fall on deaf ears at the Warner Brothers Studios:  (LINK)

 4)  A woman has sued Disney, claiming she was molested by Donald Duck at Epcot Center.  Naturally, Donald has denied the charge, citing his obvious lack of penis and, therefore, sex drive.  He’s got a strong case given the fact that he doesn’t wear any pants:  (LINK)

5)  Terror Babies!  Enjoy a tasty sample of the right-wings most recent, unfounded fear-mongering…Conveniently, just in time to scare ignorant red-staters for the upcoming elections:  (LINK)

The Hater Report #31

1)  The classic struggle between good and evil.  Strippers v. Churchgoers.  I’m a fan of this move to invite exotic dancers to the Sunday service.  I’d probably start going to church if more parishioners were willing to wear hot pants and all of the hymns were written by Motley Crue:  (LINK)

 2)  A man was arrested during a routine traffic stop.  When police searched his car, they were horrified to find the man’s pet cat in the trunk, “marinating in a mixture of crushed red peppers, chili pepper, salt and oil.”  Sounds like an interesting recipe, but a bit too spicy for my palate.  I prefer a more subtle marinade for my pet dishes:  (LINK)

3)  Fox News has the oldest cable audience.  I knew there was a rational explanation for their insanely high ratings…dead people can’t change the channel:  (LINK)

 4)  They say hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.  Case in point.  Watch this broad lose her mind when she’s told that Chicken McNuggets aren’t served on the breakfast menu.  Ah, deep-fried, mashed-up chicken cartilage for breakfast…the cornerstone of any healthy diet:  (LINK)

The Hater Report #30

1)  A new study suggests that your personality may be set for life by the first grade.  Part of me really wants to reject this study as simplistic, cynical, and fallacious…Unfortunately, I’m currently wearing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles pajamas, eating Pepperoni Pizza Lunchables, and limbering up  for my regular Tuesday Wall Ball match:  (LINK)

 2)  Conservatives are up in arms about a proposed mosque near Ground Zero.  Apparently, this is a vile affront to all 9/11 victims.  I see their argument, but I wonder why they don’t care about the mosque IN the Pentagon:  (LINK)

 3)  Newt Gingrich preaches about the sanctity of marriage in preparation for his 2012 Presidential run.  Time to clear the slate.  You heard correctly.  Newt Gingrich.  Yeah, he’s the guy that divorced his first wife while she was recovering from cancer in the hospital, cheated on his second wife while lambasting Clinton for his scandalous intern affair, and, ultimately, launched his third marriage with the young woman with whom he bamboozled his second wife.  I hate the guy, but I have to respect his amazing ability to so publicly juggle morality:  (LINK)

 4)  Dog food is responsible for a human salmonella outbreak among children between 2006 and 2008.  Not to be a dick…I know times are tough across the country and people are struggling to make ends meet…but, wouldn’t it be cheaper (and less socially stigmatizing) to feed your kids PB & J instead of dog food?:  (LINK)

5)  Ted Olson drops the hammer on Fox News’ rabid gay-hate.  It’s refreshing and exciting to see a true conservative, not blinded by religious fervor, rise to the occasion and present a rational argument in support of gay marriage.  With respectable men like Olson in the mix, we can only hope to one day have a world filled with legal sword fighting:  (LINK)

The Hater Report #29

1)   Bristol and Levi call it quits…again…quite a little White Trash Soap Opera we have going on here.   What’s the over-under on the number of months it will take before we get to see the Palin family on an episode of Cops?:  (LINK)

2)  A federal judge has overturned California’s ban on gay marriage.  I don’t know about you, but I’m terrified.  If Fox News’ predictions are correct, this ruling should signal the end of Morality in America.  Prepare for our descent into a bacchanalian orgy of deviance, in which bestiality and incest reign supreme.  It’s going to be mass chaos…head for your nearest church if you want to live…ha:  (LINK)

3)  Julia Roberts is a Hindu and refuses to use Botox.  Could that sentence be any more painful to read?  Can you even begin to imagine how brutal it would be to get trapped sitting next to this maniac on a long flight?  No thanks:  (LINK)

 4)  Tea Party Comix.  Probably the most racist thing I’ve ever seen…Obama as Sambo?  Aggressive!:  (LINK)

 5)  The GOP takes another steadfast stand against the Democrats.  What vile measure are they fighting this time?  The 9-11 First Responders Bill…a piece of legislation that would provide federal funding for ongoing health care for those heroes that selflessly entered the World Trade Center to save Americans immediately after the disaster.  I can’t actually think of a group more deserving of federal benefits than this one.  Way to fight the good fight Republicans!  You’re alright!:    (LINK)

The Hater Report #28

1)  A mosque in Arlington, Texas was vandalized over the weekend.  Their playground was burned to the ground and a crude graffiti drawing of Uncle Sam and Allah engaged in deviant carnal escapades was found on the parking lot.  What exactly is the message here?  I hate Islam…oh, and Uncle Sam is gay?  Ok…I guess.  We can only hope that the perpetrators were at least patriotic enough to make him the top:  (LINK)

 2)  Entitlement gone wild.  A thief robbed a Wendy’s and escaped with the entire cash drawer.  Apparently, it wasn’t what he had hoped for and he called the restaurant to bemoan their meager funds.  “Next time there better be more than $586,” he said.  Incredible.  This guy’s a real modern-day man:   (LINK)

 3)  One of Givenchy’s new models is a transsexual.  From the article, I can only gather that this news was shocking to many Europeans.  Really?  Didn’t they see the lustrous thickness of his/her unibrow?  It couldn’t be more startling.  I’m not an expert on gender, but I am an expert on trolling for women on city street corners and what I’ve learned through my years of back-alley prowling is that there is a simple equation to identify a gender-imposter.  Adam’s Apple + Unibrow = Not Worthy of A Crumpled up $20.  It’s standard operating procedure.  If you can’t confidently assess either of these features, then you’re playing with fire.  I always figured that Europeans were creepy enough to know this kind of basic information:  (LINK)

 4)  It’s common knowledge that the Tea Party movement harbors a sizable population of card-carrying racists.  We’ve all seen the signs; we’ve all heard the bumbling interviews.  In response to this reality, Tea Party Kingpin, Andrew Breitbart, held a minority-based rally in Philadelphia that was intended to demonstrate, through active minority participation, that the Tea Parties are all-inclusive…a diverse melting pot of ideas and ethnicities united for a common cause.  Sounds great on paper…the only problem was that no minorities showed up.  Whoops!  You’d think he would have locked that piece down first:   (LINK)

The Hater Report #27

1)  A Moldovan baby drowned during a baptism ceremony on July 22nd.  I guess God said no?:  (LINK)

 2)  A British supermarket has defended its decision to sell squirrel meat.  They claim it’s an effective, sustainable source of protein.  You can find it in the vermin section, right between the pigeon burgers and the homeless people bacon:  (LINK)

 3)  Last month was the deadliest for US troops ever in Afghanistan, our GDP growth is a pathetic 2.4%, and unemployment is creeping back into the double-digits.  Meanwhile, the Jersey Shore’s, Snooki, is busy attacking Obama for his tanning tax.  It’s refreshing to finally see someone focusing on issues that matters:  (LINK)

4)  Pro-Life advocacy group, Personhood Colorado, has launched a new, extreme ad campaign that equates abortion to slavery.  Not to nitpick, but don’t babies generally try to escape to the south?:   (LINK)

The Hater Report #26

1)  A French woman confessed to murdering eight of her newborn children over the past 20 years.  When asked how she could commit such heinous acts, she calmly explained that she didn’t want any more children and she wasn’t willing to go on birth control.  I guess that sort of makes sense. Taking one pill per day is definitely much more of a hassle than carrying a baby for nine months while keeping the pregnancy a total secret, strangling the child upon birth, and then burying it in the backyard.  Quite a nice little world we’ve got going on these days:  (LINK)

 2)  A black teenager attacked a white man because of his taste in music, shouting at the climax of the assault, “White people shouldn’t listen to rap music.”  He’s almost correct, but I’d revise his statement slightly…”NOBODY should listen to rap music.”:  (LINK)

 3)  In light of the recent gay scandal sweeping the Vatican, here are the 15 gayest pictures ever taken of the Pope.  No comment necessary:  (LINK)

 4)  Bill O’Reilly is a deep, sophisticated man.  Like an onion, he has many layers.  Just when you think you know him, he flips it on you.  Successful television personality, best selling author, phone sex guru, and now, gay rights supporter.  To everyone’s surprise, he ripped Obama on Jay Leno for his impotent, half-hearted efforts to repeal DADT.   “President Obama has the power to stop this ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ business. Just sign an executive order. I don’t know why it’s taking so long—it’s not fair. We should stop this nonsense.”  Alright Bill…alright!:  (LINK)

 5)  The Amish are expanding westward from Pennsylvania…very, very slowly…zing?:  (LINK)

The Hater Report #25

1)  Travel & Leisure Magazine has named Bangkok the world’s top city.  An undeniably intriguing choice, although, it sort of makes you wonder what criteria were employed.  I never realized how valuable a concentrated ladyboy population could be for a city’s reputation:  (LINK)

2)  Apparently, a new study has found that it’s normal for people to be sexually attracted to their parents.  I recently discussed these findings with my middle-aged cousin who worships science-fiction and still lives in my aunt’s basement.  His response was simple and disturbing…“Finally,” he whispered with a glint in his eye as a thin rivulet of drool slipped from the corner of his mouth:  (LINK)

 3)  An Ex-New Hampshire teacher is in some hot water for sending naked photos to one of her students.  I think it absurd to arrest the teacher.  Her devil-may-care behavior was fun, awesome, and seductive.  She should be put on a pedestal as a shining example for women everywhere.  The criminal here is not the teacher.  It’s the nerd kid who couldn’t keep his mouth shut long enough to bed this floozy.  He should be locked up for an eternity:  (LINK)

 4)  Jeb Bush will not be running for President in 2012.  We can now revel in the certainty that America will be, from this point forward, forever…Bush-free.  Cue Kool & The Gang:  (LINK)

The Hater Report #24

1)  Scotland finally has something to be proud of.  After years of being mocked for their pallid skin, rugged teeth, love of heroin, and penchant for wearing women’s skirts, the Scottish now, for the first time ever, have something to write home about… The End of History…aka the Greatest Beer Ever Invented.  It contains 55% alcohol and comes packaged inside a dead rodent.  Simply awesome (see picture above):  (LINK)

 2)  The hate-mongering, National Organization for Marriage has launched a new sign campaign.  Lynch the Gays!  That sure is interesting.  I mean, I always knew that these ignorant rubes hated the gays, but I had no idea they had a such a rabid disregard for subtlety:   (LINK)

 3)  Tom Tancredo will run for Colorado Governor as a Constitution Party candidate.  When asked whether his platform will include the Tea Party chants of Impeach Obama and Bomb Mecca, Tancredo responded, “Of course!  That’s what Americans want and that’s what Americans believe!  In addition, we’ll also include the other core Tea Party sentiments, such as shop exclusively at Wal-Mart, smoke copious amounts of meth, and spend all of your unemployment money on lottery tickets”:  (LINK)

 4)  Big thanks to my good friend Christopher R. for the news find of the year. An English transvestite was caught having sex with a dog in the empty moat of King Henry VII’s Pendennis Castle.  Apparently, the man was enjoying a lovely day of sightseeing in his favorite little black dress, when he came across a woman walking her pooch.  The dog, clearly terrified and confused by the abject horror before him, chased the man around the castle.  When the dog’s owner finally caught up with her wayward pup, she found, to her disgust, that the transvestite had mounted the dog and was pumping away with wanton abandon.  Incredible!  Amazing!  So many details, each more sordid than the last.  Current events don’t get much better than this…until they do…When the castle’s manager was asked to comment, he succinctly replied, “This was a very rare occurrence.”  Ha.  I should hope so!:  (LINK)

The Hater Report #23

1)  A Taliban commander was killed accidentally when a bomb he was building exploded prematurely.  Talk about dying without dignity.  What a loser.  I can’t figure out why he even thought he had the technical know-how to construct a bomb in the first place.  Every time I see a Taliban training video, they’re only ever doing one thing…climbing across monkey bars in black pajamas.  I’m not sure what skills this is supposed to develop, but bomb-making obviously isn’t one of them:  (LINK)

2)  Tea Party darling, Sharon Angle bolted from reporters’ questions at her own press conference that she organized…literally, kicked her heels off and ran away.  I love this campaign strategy.  So different, so unique…so moronic.  You really have to admire a person that is willing to fly the flag of ignorance so publicly.  You go girl!:  (LINK)

 3)  An industrious man broke into a defunct bar and sold drinks to oblivious patrons for four days.  He was eventually arrested and charged for selling liquor without a license.  I admire this guy’s moxie.  It takes heart to undertake such a risky entrepreneurial endeavor.  I tried a similar scam in my younger days with an abandoned strip club, but it was an utter failure…the old bags that I kidnapped to dance from the local nursing home kept breaking their hips on the pole:  (LINK)

 4)  Ryan Murdough, a Republican candidate for the State House in New Hampshire has a simple, straightforward platform…keep America white.  Textbook racism right?  Not according to Murdough.  When asked to elaborate upon his blatantly prejudiced stance, he replied, “I would like to preserve what we have before it gets totally out of control.  The more it becomes non-white, the more it’s going to become a much different place to live, for white people especially…I can’t really be a racist, because I don’t hate them. I just don’t want to live around areas that are heavily, predominantly non-white.”  Ha!  Amazing!:  (LINK)

The Hater Report #22

1)  New drug craze, I-Dosing, is sweeping the nation.  Teenagers claim to get twisted from listening to certain digital music downloads.  Parents and Public Officials exhibit a rising concern for the health of their children.  Meanwhile, I’m feeling a rising concern for the exponential increase in the toolish behavior of the American youth…Ke$ha, Twilight, Second Life, and now this?  Come on nerds…get real…if you’re going to try to get high, at least get some actual drugs:  (LINK)

 2)  A creative burglar used a crucifix to pry open church donation boxes to steal the money inside.  Already a fan favorite in the eighth ring of the Inferno, the Prince of Darkness claims to have a special section of Hell set aside for this Satanic MacGuyver:  (LINK)

3)  The Republican National Committee has failed to report nearly $7 million dollars in debt.  I was taken aback by this news.  The RNC’s in debt?  They’re having trouble fundraising?  You mean Americans suffering through the worst economy in decades don’t want to donate to a party that has no platform or policy other than to openly hate the current president.…shocking:  (LINK)

 4)  The US is considering the imposition of stricter sanctions against North Korea.  Why the charade?  I’m not a hawkish guy, but I’m all for an invasion of this rebellious pain in the ass.  I can’t imagine it would be a difficult fight…the people are so starved and so tiny that the grown adults resemble children…It would be like raiding a Chuckie Cheese:  (LINK)

The Hater Report #21

1)  Glenn Beck is apparently going blind…I’m reassessing my belief in karma:  (LINK)

2)  An Amish teen led the cops on a low-speed chase before crashing his horse and buggy into a ravine.  Police were initially surprised by his brazen run (er, jog) from the law until they searched his wagon and discovered a shockingly illicit cache…hundreds of Victoria Secret catalogues valued at $20 per issue on the Amish black market:  (LINK)

3)  A Los Angeles sperm bank has instituted a new policy of sorting donors according to their celebrity doppelganger.  A friend of mine thought it would be fun to make a donation just to see which celebrity they would select for him…the hilarity ended when he got Shrek:  (LINK)

4)  Sarah Palin makes up a fake word.  Not surprisingly, rather than acknowledge her mistake, the hubris-laden nitwit defended her idiocy by comparing herself to Shakespeare.  “English is a living language. Shakespeare liked to coin new words too. Got to celebrate it!”…I guess the similarity is close enough…one was a master of the English language, while the other is a mangler of the English language…they’re almost the same thing:   (LINK)

5)  A Tea Party leader was expelled from the National Tea Party Federation for a racist letter that he attempted to pawn off as satire.  Judge for yourselves, but if this is satire, I’m totally missing the joke…Jonathan Swift would not be impressed…here’s an excerpt:  “Dear Mr. Lincoln, We Coloreds have taken a vote and decided that we don’t cotton to that whole emancipation thing. Freedom means having to work for real, think for ourselves, and take consequences along with the rewards. That is just far too much to ask of us Colored People and we demand that it stop!”: (LINK)

The Hater Report #20

1)  Oprah has hit an all-time ratings low.  This makes me nervous.  Who’s telling all those bumbling Midwestern housewives what to do?  The idea of them making independent decisions is almost too horrifying to even consider:  (LINK)

 2)  There’s a Right to Die billboard that is causing a ruckus in New Jersey.  I can’t fathom the outrage.  The world already has plenty of people, why would you possibly care if someone wants to kill themselves?  I say good riddance…thanks for the extra parking:  (LINK)

 3)  Just a note to all the nerds that waited in line for 24 hours to spend $500 on a phone that doesn’t work…it turns out that it’s the result of divine intervention.  So now, not only does your phone suck but God hates you:  (LINK)

 4)  An elderly couple died when they got trapped in their home elevator.  Most people assumed it was due to the prolonged, intense heat, but the autopsy painted a different story.   The guy had a massive heart attack while choking his wife to death…apparently, three days was his threshold for being nagged about his failure to schedule the elevator maintenance man:  (LINK)

The Hater Report #19

1)  Tea Party Express leader, Mark Williams, is totally unhinged!  In a disjointed, psychotic rant yesterday, he made the scandalous claim that the NAACP “make[s] more money off of race than any slave trader ever.”  Mel Gibson had best send him a thank you card…this guy just bull-rushed his way to the front of the jackass line:  (LINK)

 2)  George W. Bush’s memoir is being released in November.  Titled, “George and the Terrible, No Good, Very Bad Presidency,” the novel is a personal account of the Boy King’s most difficult presidential predicaments.  While the book is richly illustrated and written in crayon, the former president’s publisher insists that it’s geared toward adults:  (LINK)

 3)  A four-year old boy died during a failed exorcism this past week in the hinterlands of Mother Russia.  This story is seemingly tragic, but you have to view his age within the proper context.  Given the low average life expectancy of a Russian Gypsy, he had already seen his best years:  (LINK)

 4)  The Vatican has issued new Canonical Rules.  Apparently, the ordination of a woman carries the same criminal severity as kid touching.  That’s some solid moral relativism.  Somebody better take the shovel away from these guys because their hole just keeps getting deeper:   (LINK)

 5)  Healthcare Reform is focusing heavily on preventative care as a way to minimize overall costs.  This could mean that women will have free access to prescription birth control in the near future.  I like where this policy is headed, but at the end of the day, birth control is fallible and relies too heavily on personal responsibility.  I have a more fail-proof plan…sterilize all White Trash males who are of breeding age:  (LINK)

The Hater Report #18

1)  A dog trapped in the stifling heat of a parked car honked the horn until he was let out.  It’s incredible to me that this animal was able expediently decipher a solution to a complex problem…meanwhile, the doughy dullard that lives in the cubicle outside my office still can’t seem to figure out how to button his shirt properly:  (LINK)

 2)  A new billboard in Iowa that pictures Obama alongside ruthless totalitarian dictators, Adolph Hitler and Vladimir Lenin, is currently at the center of a growing controversy.  Ok…I understand that people are a bit displeased with Obama’s Presidential performance, but, comparing him to Hitler and Lenin is a bit extreme…he doesn’t even have a moustache:  (LINK) 

3)  Illinois is considering the establishment of a state-wide obesity tax.  I’m a huge proponent of this push to force fat people pay for their own fatness.  I, however, would take it one step further, treat it like smoking, and make these people eat outside in designated areas:  (LINK)

4)  Congressman, Jerry Nadler, has been accused of running out on his cab fare without paying.  Ever since this shocking revelation, a cavalcade of former victims have stepped forward to share similar tales of his juvenile antics, such as putting Saran Wrap on the Capitol Hill toilets,  dumping cold buckets of water on unsuspecting Mall sunbathers, and taking the batteries out of senior citizens’ motorized carts:  (LINK)

The Hater Report #17

1)  Bill O’Reilly is the most recent in a long line of interviewers to put Sarah Palin’s utter lack of intelligence on public display.  Come on America.  Are we really still doing this?  At first it was cute, then it was funny, now it’s just downright embarrassing:  (LINK)

2)  Lindsay Lohan has been sentenced to 90 days inside Lynwood Correctional Facility.  Her fellow inmates have reportedly stated that they can’t wait to get a piece of the young starlet.  It’s a shame real life isn’t more like Cinemax or this story might actually be steamy.  Sadly, it’s not and the reality of a pale, worn-out junky being gruffly manhandled by a sausage-link-fingered he-woman just doesn’t do it for me:  (LINK)

 3)  Switzerland has rejected America’s extradition request for Roman Polanski.  Authorities were hoping to bring the famous director back to the US where he could be tried for drugging and sexually assaulting a teenage girl in 1977.  In other news, Rush Limbaugh has announced plans to move his summer home from the beaches of the Dominican Republic to the idyllic cliffs of the Swiss Alps where he’ll apparently be allowed to play freely:  (LINK)

4)  The NAACP is preparing to pass a resolution condemning the Tea Party movement as racist.  Naturally, the Teabaggers are up in arms…feigning indignation at the charge.  I tried to tell them that their  “GO BACK TO KENYA” slogan wouldn’t be well-received, but they wouldn’t listen:  (LINK)

 5)  A drunken Australian recently survived an ill-fated attempt to ride a crocodile…and…uh…um…there’s got to be a strong one-liner for this one, but I’m struggling.  All I know about Australia comes from watching Crocodile Dundee.  Unless the guy was carrying a giant knife, I’m all out of jokes:  (LINK)

The Hater Report #16

1)  A mother tried to flush her newborn infant down an airplane toilet on a flight to Northern India.  I’m not sure what part of this story is the most disturbing.  The mother’s callous disregard for her child or the people who kept using the bathroom:  (LINK)

 2)  A woman in the former Soviet Republic of Georgia claims to be 130 years old.  Antisa Khvichava was supposedly born in 1880, and, based on a cursory review of her haggard appearance, most outsiders believed her story.  However, upon further investigation by an international team of scientists, the jig was up.  Turns out, life in Georgia is so terrible that the people age in dog years.  Antisa is actually only 18 years old…aka barely legal.  Ha!:  (LINK)

 3)  Mel Gibson caught on tape again!  This time the “wetbacks” have drawn his shockingly violent ire.  First it was the Jews, then the Blacks, now the Hispanics.  Who could be next?  Oh boy, oh boy, I’m so excited.  Asians?  Indians?  The Gays?  The suspense is killing me!:  (LINK)

 4)  A strange new trend is developing in Mexico.  Sniffing Glue while worshipping Jesus.  I had no idea that Jesus liked to get down like that…I’m totally reconsidering my decision to avoid church:  (LINK)

 5)  A four year old Missouri girl was recently returned home after her kidnapper killed himself.  Incredible.  Imagine how annoying this girl must be to drive a hardened, deranged criminal to suicide.  Four years old and already nagging men to death.  May God have mercy on the soul of her future husband:  (LINK)

The Hater Report #15

1)  Louisiana Governor, Bobby Jindal, signed legislation allowing guns in churches.  I, for one, am happy to hear about this bill.  Finally, young boys will be able to protect themselves from any and all unwanted, priestly advances.  You best check yourself Father…there’s going to be a lot more than lurid temptation under this altar boy’s robes:  (LINK)

2)  In a recent study assessing the attractiveness of soccer players by BeautifulPeople.com (obviously based on highly objective, empirical data) a conclusion was reached that the Algerian men’s national soccer team is, and I quote, “collectively the least attractive on the planet.” Not surprising from a country that still has outbreaks of the plague:  (LINK)

3)  Lindsay Lohan is going to jail for violating her probation.  She seems to do that often.  So often, in fact, that she gave my friend Cheeseburger the wrong impression about the legal system.  He figured, since she could violate probation repeatedly, so could he…turns out he was wrong.  Can’t wait to rub it in his face when he gets out in 2019:  (LINK)

4)  An insurance company called Discovery Benefits recently canceled a leukemia-stricken woman’s healthcare coverage because she hadn’t paid her premium in full…she was short one penny.  Literally, one penny.  I kind of like this stance…send a message.  It’s the not the actual dollar amount, it’s the principle.  Compassion doesn’t pay the bills:  (LINK)

5)  A serial killer was captured in LA.  Known as the Grim Sleeper, he’s responsible for the murder of at least 10 people.  What a nerd this guy is.  Grim Sleeper?  Oooooh, I’m so scared.  Please, if I’m going to go to the trouble of killing that many people, I’m sure as hell going to make sure that I establish a more badass moniker.  You need to be proactive about it…send a human head to local media outlets, taunt the inept police force, work a machete into your modus operandi, and always leave a VHS copy of Rambo on the rotting corpses…you have to do something!:  (LINK)

The Hater Report #14

1)  In news of the not-so-shocking, nearly 70% of Texas school children flunked the 2010 state physical fitness test.  As an outsider looking in, by combining their love of disgusting food with their hatred of science, it would appear that Texas is currently engaged in the process of bioengineering an entire generation of fat, morons.  I’m anxious to see their offspring…cream of the crop, I’m sure.  Oh, what a hilariously vicious cycle!  You want to retire early?  Buy stock in Meth:  (LINK)

 2)  Rail passengers were recently shocked to hear the grating voice of the Fuhrer shouting out his directives for the destruction of European Jewry during the quiet calm of a routine rush hour transit trip.  Turns out, it was a middle-aged German man’s cellular telephone ringtone.  He was promptly arrested, at which point, he vigorously proclaimed his innocence.  Blaming the entire incident on a malfunctioning cell phone, he begged the officers to take mercy on his cursed soul.  According to the man, he could not possibly be held responsible given the uncontrollable nature of his phone.  He claimed its outbreaks of rage were the result an aggressive case of impotence and a deeply ingrained, erotic obsession with its mother…when he answered the call, he was merely following the orders of a mentally deranged, despotic cellular telephone:  (LINK)

 3)  Mel Gibson goes bananas.  Yells to his wife, “You look like a f***ing pig in heat, and if you get raped by a pack of n***ers, it will be your fault.” Whoa!  Incredibly offensive.  Not only is this racially insensitive, but it’s also lexically wrong:  They don’t form “packs,” they travel in “gangs.”:  (LINK)

 4)  Soccer is a socialist sport apparently because it doesn’t allow man to use the one feature that elevates him above the animal world:  Opposable Thumbs.  When you read something like this, it’s hard to argue the case for an Intelligent Designer…if there really were a God, clearly, he would have had the foresight to make stupidity painful:  (LINK)

The Hater Report #13

1)  A Missouri VA hospital may have infected more than 1,800 veterans with Hepatitis B, Hepatitis C, and AIDS after routine dental appointments.  This story is for those of you out there that have always wondered what doctors really do when the anesthesia kicks in…filthy:  (LINK)

 2)  There’s nothing worse than getting caught looking like a complete nerd in public…watch this guy get hit in the face by a foul ball at the Yankees game while he talks on his cell phone.  The way his limp wrists flop towards his face in a shameful attempt at self-defense is almost too embarrassing to watch.  I’ll bet, that in the 24 hours since this incident, his wife left him, his kids changed their last name, and his parents “fell” off a cruise ship:  (LINK)

 3)  Unintentional hilarity.  Christianists vandalize an atheist billboard.  I’m not generally very good at the What Would Jesus Do Game, but I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t do that:  (LINK)

4)  “The next time your liberal friends ask you about the separation of church and state, ask them why they are Nazis,” said Republican Congressional Candidate Glen Urquhart earlier in June…that’s a real live quote from a real live adult running for an actual leadership position in our government…noted:  (LINK)

 5)  I would have never seen this coming…A Russian spy caught yesterday skipped bail in Cyprus and disappeared.  You mean to tell me that you let a highly trained, extremely capable, rugged-ass Russian spy out free on bail?  Yeah…I guess that makes sense:  (LINK)

The Hater Report #12

1)  Chris Brown wept like a young child while singing “Man in the Mirror” during last night’s BET Awards.  I don’t know about anyone else, but I was touched…literally, he punched me in the face for laughing at his moment of weakness…it made me cry…like Rhianna:   (LINK)

 2)  Lady Gaga dressed as a man for an upcoming Vogue Hommes Japan spread.  I don’t know how to feel.  As a woman, she is hideously offensive.  As a man, she just looks like every other Jewish guy I’ve ever met.  I’m torn about her dual personality.  I’m not sure what’s more unfortunate…Being an ugly chick or having no table manners:  (LINK)

 3)  The Greek population has staged another general strike…more than 9,000 people take to the streets to protest the hardships that they’ve experienced from not working.  I guess the old adage is true…you learn something new every day…I never realized that you could strike from a job you never had:  (LINK)

 4)  A Colorado woman crashed her car recently.  When questioned about the reason for her accident, she claimed that she was startled by the sudden appearance of a vampire in the middle of the road.  Yeah…I’ll bet that’s the reason…I’m sure it’s not because she’s a woman.  Get it?  Because women can’t drive?  Zing?:  (LINK)

 5)  Environmentalists are a dirty, hapless, clueless group of nerds.  Nobody disputes this…Nobody!  Check out their latest waste of time and effort.  A gumball machine that dispenses Seed Balls.  Now, disaffected youths can spend their parents’ money to ruin your yard with nothing more than a dollar and a limp-wristed toss of a nut ball.  Nice.  Really sticking it to the man…or the guy next door, whose children hate him and whose wife refuses to touch him, that takes pride in a well-kept lawn.  Fuck you hippies:   (LINK)